I Am So Not a Morning Person

I am not a morning person. If you’ve seen me whining on Facebook, you might have suspected this about me. If you’re a morning person, please don’t hate me. I really can’t help it. It doesn’t matter if I go to bed at six in the evening and sleep until six or seven. There are slight differences in how I feel if I’d had three hours of sleep and the requisite eight. Slight. When I open my eyes in the morning, I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or eaten by wolves and then pooped over a cliff. Or the smashed bug on your windshield.



Credit Image: Trevor on Flickr


I thought everyone felt awful when they woke up. That some people started feeling better faster. Then a morning person friend (I have them) told me she feels fine when she wakes up. Sometimes she feels a “little sleepy.” A little sleepy?

Okay, I kind of know how that feels. Before I go to bed. Because I’m a night person. Officially morning begins a few seconds after midnight. That’s night for me, but anything that occurs after I’ve gone to sleep is “morning,” no matter what the clock says. I personally don’t believe in 4, 5, or 6 o’clock in the morning. I know they exist, but I don’t like spending time with them. And you won’t like spending time with me then.

I have no clue why Life rolled the morning dice and mine came up craps. But here’s the deal. If you’re a morning person living with a night person, these are some things you can expect and some things you shouldn’t expect. Expect:

  • Blank stares
  • Grumpy gradually fading to bleak acceptance.
  • Bleak acceptance gradually giving way for basic sentience.
  • Basic sentience gradually becoming rational thought and the ability to carry on a conversation.
  • Smiles can follow on the heels of rational thought if no inhibiting forces are present (such as colds, allergies, lack of chocolate or Diet Dr. Pepper).

Don’t expect:

  • Sentience
  • Smiling/cheerfulness
  • Conversation
  • Optimism about personal survival or that of the human race

Until the bleak mid-morning has been successfully survived. I can still remember a conversation I had with Our Son not long after he started schooling at home. This took place during my personal prime time.

Our Son: Wow, mom, you’re actually very funny.

Me: (after thinking about this) Sorry about that. I’m not a morning person. Our Son: (after thinking about this) No.

I guess he needed consecutive days to notice. And to not have the late afternoon and evenings ruined by homework …

I know that morning people probably experience something not unlike these symptoms in the evening, but I’m not sure. What is it like to be a morning person at night? Does suffering become our meeting place?

Perilously yours, Pauline

“Jones is back and taking on new genres and challenges in this high-intensity time-traveling war thriller.” RT Book Reviews

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