Bigger than yours...

4 years ago

I used to really like the band Korn.


Ok, I'm not gonna lie.  I still really like the band Korn, but I just don't allow myself to listen to their music with little ears around.  But lately, there has been this one line of one particular song that is not a nice line but keeps just running through my mind.  Over and over I hear him monster screaming "My (BLEEP) is bigger than YOURS."


Now, some of you might find that a little disturbing.


Heck, I find it disturbing.


But what I find more disturbing is the reason behind this very strange, totally inappropriate lyric invading my precious and limited brain space.


Why? You ask.


I keep thinking of this line because of "the comparison trap."


It's surrounding me.  Everywhere.  Driving me crazy.  Driving me to repeat dirty Korn lyrics.


Over.  And. Over.


And now you will too, if you know what song and line I was referring to, I'm sure it's stuck in your head!!!




I digress.   My point is this.  The last few months have obviously been very hard on us.  We lost a precious baby girl and then watched  her twin fight for her life for a few weeks, and then get stronger and stronger while we seemed to get weaker during a 12 week NICU journey.  Our other two small children suffered as their parents were virtually unavailable to them for months.


But we got beyond it.


All that is better now.  We are healing, we are growing, we are surviving.


Yes, I blog (often) about my loss, my grief.  But at no point do I want anyone to think that I believe my situation is worse or more painful than what anyone else has gone through.


We all have our crosses to bear.  We all go through difficult times, hardships, pain, and loss.  I remember a friend told me one time that she felt bad complaining to me about her problems, because she hadn't suffered a loss like I had.


I want her, and everyone to know - I do not feel that way!  We all have different limits, different experiences, different pains.  Yes, I have suffered.  But as your friend, just because I have suffered a loss does not mean that I do not want to be there for you!


I have heard others talk about how their experience was so much more traumatic and worse than so and so's... but the truth is, there is no loss that is worse than another.  No situation is worse than another.


"WHAT?  You must be out of your mind!  Certainly it is worse to lose a 12 year old than it is to lose a brand new pregnancy?" I am sure some of you are thinking something along these lines.


And my answer is... it just depends on your viewpoint.  Because we only know the pain and loss that we have felt... and everyone has a different threshold for pain and coping based on their own life experiences.


OK, I'm going to contradict that statement a tiny bit.  There are some situations that are worse than others.  There is no doubt about it.  Some people go through FAR worse than what I've ever experienced.  But, my point is we cannot expect others to understand pain worse than the worst pain they have experienced.  And we shouldn't want to try to make them. 


There is plenty of pain to go around.  We don't have to try to compare or prove that our pain was worse than the pain someone else experienced.  We can choose to support each other instead.


Your "bleep" doesn't have to be bigger than mine.


Your pain is yours, mine is mine, and we won't compare them.


I promise to love you, support you, listen to you and help you.  Can you promise the same?


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