About 12 years ago I was told I have a degenerative disease which lurked in the discs of my vertebrae. In one ear and out the other. I was young, strong, and perfectly fine. As I went about my "make everyone happy" mode of life, I never really cared too much about taking care of the most important person in my life...me. This is an extremely hard concept for mothers. We tend to make sure everyone else in the family has their needs met, down to the family pets. And also for overachievers, who tend to make sure work, friends, and social committments are all 100% before taking care of ourselves. Horrible to combine the two and completely let go of all the life within yourself, to place your worth at the bottom of a long list. This was my reality, a reality that I did not recognize as a slow suicide to self. In fact, it seems to be a social norm. Work hard, get minimal rest, and get back to working hard. And, unfortunately for me, took a massive event in my life to recognize my own dimise.
Being in bed for a month can either break you or make you. There is only two choices, continue to feel as though all is lost and I must give up, or become strong again. But I was not about to grow strong again for everyone else and be broken within a few months. This was the small light at the end of my vision. I must be the best I can be so when I am strong my family is stronger. This was my sole ambition. Want to know what I did first? I stopped belittling myself. My self talk had to improve. We all do this, we all second guess everything, expect the worst, and frankly, push it forth in the universe sealing the deal. Our energies that are put forth into the air, come back to us. I knew that the first and most important step in my change was self love!
I began to redicover my values, my ambitions, what I really stood for. It was then I knew this was the beginning of the end, the end to relying on a sytem that had not once benefited me. Sure, I had "stuff" in my life, but was any of it making me a better person, my children better people, and my circle of friends and family proud to be in my life? No, no it wasn't. I will tell you that I had a few days of flat out anxiety over all this. My decision would impact everything I thought was right and true, everything that I thought was my only choices in life, and especially my income. In a society were your worth is based on your career and your monetary value, I was chosing to simply step away, to do it on my own. I knew it would be a decision that would have to work. I devised a plan:
Step 1. Pray, meditate, consult the universe, all of the above. Was this my direction, my path to healing myself, making me stronger? I had to talk to God.
Step 2. Repair my self talk. Get rid of negativity, accept my mistakes, move on. A battle I fight daily, but I am winning!
Step 3. Research. What was it making me sick, my children sick, and how can I fix it? Was there others that felt as I did and how could I find them?
As I began to explore within myself through prayer and meditation the possibilities of living a truly fulfilling and honestly happy life, I had visions of farming and living off the land. Wow..visions huh? I know your thinking I've actually lost my marbles instead of having great visions of times long ago where for generations people lived with such grace upon a ball of water and earth never having to worry about the stresses of a modern society, with all it's hate and anger, and misery. (Don't misunderstand me. You can be a functioning memeber of the "normal" society and love your experience, but if you are truly unhappy at the end of each day, week, month, year, then it is possible to make changes that will impact your life in positive ways, leading to you living, not just surviving.)
Oh, my self talk. That little voice in your head, which I refer to as "the flesh", can be cruel. I always had this great ability to lift others up, to make people feel loved and special, but I never could do it for myself. I am here to let you know, it is extremely important that you create the habit of everyday loving yourself through words and deeds. I began to incorporate positive affirmations into my daily meditiations, such as, I am strong, I am light, I am peace, I am love..changes begin to happen in your life that you just can't explain.
Research, research, research! In a time of information being a click away, everyone should be utilizing this free resource called the internet. I remember as a child having to walk to the library and dig through piles of cards to find one book on ecosystems. After having pulled 10 books of the shelf to create a paper for 6th grade science class, my whole day would be gone and not all my questions answered. Not anymore! Type in a word, question, or even mispelled mumbo jumbo and my computer will return a plethora of information. Point, click, learn. I research sustainable living. I researched processed foods. I researched vegetable, juicing, and healing powers of. I began to formulate a plan. I would get myself well, create a well lifestyle for my family, and begin a sustainable lifestyle which would keep our costs low, feed us, and maintain an ecosystem that thrived off of one another. Sound overwhelming? Then your in the right place. I have been developing, with the help of my husband, a sustainable life that hasn't the costs of technology based systems, but still encompasses the benefits of technology. This blog will be your wealth of information on sustainability, health, and motivation. Because I am here to tell you, if I can do it, so can YOU! Let's begin the end together.
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