The Beautiful Ugly Flower


Alternate title:  gray skies are assholes. 

I’ve decided that I’m a sunflower.  And when the sun won’t shine, I’m that sunflower with the beautiful, giant bloom that insists on bending sullenly towards the ground.  The kind of sunflower that really ticks you off when you finally decide to snip it and bring it in for your pretty vase.  Because with such a crooked neck, the flower is just an asshole.  So determined it is to be downcast, that it tips the vase over and spills the water everywhere.  The beautiful asshole flower.  No sun, no smile.  The Sun gods are taunting me.


I should really move to Mexico during January and February.  Right after I get a job.  And find new schools for my kids there. 


I’ve tried to embrace the winter months.  Yeah.  Fuck that.I read on some zen website that we should try to approach the winter months differently.  We should embrace the dark, quiet time and accept the natural inclination to go within for quiet reflection.  That sounds ok to me.  I know how to pull that down comforter over me just so…and go within.  I do it every night.  But who the heck is going to wash my clothes, shop for food, cook dinner and clean up after these darlings every day while I’m somewhere within?


I’d love to call it a day today.  And it’s only 9:18 a.m.  But on my agenda today is to finally take down my Christmas tree, and box it up so it’s not full of roaches next year.  My house looks like a winter storm swept through it.  There are 400 coats and jackets sitting on the bench by the front door.  I need to find a new pediatrician for the darlings due to an insurance change.  Middle darling needs tubes in his ears again too.I have bills to pay and supper to cook and a yard to clean up.  Right after I clean up from breakfast.  And bathe.  The saltwater pump on the pool is on the fritz.  One of my exterior stair rails was rotten so I had it replaced.  Now I have to paint it before it gets rotten again.So, while I’d love to go within with these lovely zen people, I’m just not sure how to make it happen while I’m simultaneously out here doing all this stuff.


Plus, I don’t even like looking at what’s within.  That’s so 2012.  That’s the stuff I smash down and ignore and occasionally slap the shit out of when it begins to pester me too much.  I’ve looked within a lot.  I probably spent the last year and a half looking within.  Ain’t nothing in there I care to see.  I’ve examined it, turned it this way and that, flipped it over and done it again for good measure.  Done.  Next.


So what are people like me supposed to do now?  Besides looking down with a big ‘faire la moue’ as they used to say in French when we were little.


Grey skies are assholes. 


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