This article was written by a member of the SheKnows Community. It has not been edited, vetted or reviewed by our editorial staff, and any opinions expressed herein are the writer’s own.
It's pretty common knowledge on the internetzz that I have BPD or borderline personality disorder. Check out wikipedia if you need more information.
Tragically, the name makes me sound a lot more wacked out than I really am. And even though BPD is a serious and major mental health problem, it should be more accurately identified at Emotional Intensity Disorder, in my opinion. Those of us who suffer from it have extremes in emotion, feelings of worthlessness and emptiness and saddest of all, we tend to be more suicidal than other sufferers of mental illness.
This week was bad for me. By Thursday I could hear maracas in my head. I knew I was either having seizure or something even worse was wrong. I was crying constantly and felt like I was going to die inside. I knew I was out of Buspar which I take along with Effexor and Lamictal (that one is for seizures but it does double duty as a mood enhancer - theoretically.) And that led me to realize I was also out of Effexor. And that led me to realize I'd been off both of them for the better part of the week.
I called my fiance and asked him to stop and pick up the prescription we had dropped off the night before. Since I have a new psychiatrist who wrote me a new script for the Effexor as well as the Buspar she was prescribing - I decided to fill them together.
On a scale of one to bad...that was bad.
The Effexor I take needs a special clearance from my insurance. The Buspar is covered under the pharmacy's $4/$10 program so since I am only allowed 6 scripts a month, I chose to do it there instead of my usual place.
That 6 scripts thing sucks although I should have remembered that they HAVE to fill my crazy meds which would have prevented most of what happened.
My fiance showed up with the Buspar which is my add-on but not the Effexor which is the main med I take.
So another day without it.
I finally figured out I had some left of my last script of Effexor before they upped the dosage and changed it to Extended Release so I took two of them.
I immediately, and I mean immediately, felt better. The maracas stopped. I stopped crying and I wasn't as hair trigger mean as I had been. I became rational and called my normal pharmacy and had the prescription transferred, refilled my OLD one which still had 5 refills on it and told the pharmacist to get the authorization so I wouldn't have to go through this NEXT month.
The problem with folks with a mental illness is that when they feel good, they don't take their meds. I have a minor in social work and a younger sister with an incredibly serious mental health issue...I KNOW this. I have told my sister time and time again to take her meds. That its like diabetes or heart disease....you TAKE YOUR MEDS EVEN WHEN YOU FEEL GOOD.
And now here I am. I'm doing the same thing I have lectured her about doing. I felt good and so I skipped a morning and usually miss my afternoon Buspar fix although I always take my night time meds. But generally I feel good. Generally I am not sitting at my therapy appointments, going through a box of tissues and leaving a snotty, snivelling mess.
So, its a lesson. Is it a lesson learned? I don't know. I hope it is. I hope I will remember to take my morning meds and I hope that afternoon dose won't go by the wayside but only time will tell I suppose.
I've tried alarms, taking my meds when I do certain other activities...and still, when I feel good, it's easy to put it off and then it's easy to forget.
I hope that feeling as badly as I did on Thursday...the sounds in my head, the crying, the insatiable need to sleep...don't happen again. And I hope I remember how I badly I felt the next time I put off taking my meds or think I feel good enough to skip them.