4 years ago

I have always been a bit socially awkward.  Not weird, just unpolished.  I often stick my foot in my mouth or I blurt out things without thinking.  Basically I have no filter.  Oh and I have a very strange laugh when I'm nervous.

Since losing an infant, this problem has grown worse.  Now I make others feel awkward too.  It is not intentional.

My conversations with a stranger now go like this:

"Nice to meet you.  What do you do?"

Me: "I'm a stay at home mom."

"Oh.  How many children do you have?"

Me: (Pause... stranger looks at me like I'm a weirdo because this should be the easiest question I get all day) Finally I saw "Well, I have four children, but I really only have three because one lives in heaven."

Pause.  "Oh I am so sorry for your loss!" Or something along those lines and an expression indicating they feel awkward and wish they hadn't gone down that road.  Shuffling of feet...

Then I feel awkward for making them uncomfortable.


Which I usually fill with something stupid blurted out to fill that silence.   "It's ok though cause I drink a lot."

OK, so now you're awkward and an alcoholic.  Social services will probably be paying a visit soon.

The other night I was started down a similar path, but luckily my dear friend came to my rescue.  We were at a girls night out and I made a comment about when the "babies were born."  A woman I just met looked at me, her face lit up and she asked "You have twins???"

I replied.  "I did.  I don't anymore." (Where do you go from here???)

She looked at me with a stunned expression, no one said a word, and my friend blurted out "But we have Tiny and we sure do love her!!" And the conversation rapidly changed topics.

Friends, strangers, I do not share this with you for pity.  I simply want you to know two things.

First, I am more than OK talking about Kathryn.  I want to remember and honor her, so it does not make me feel uncomfortable to talk about her.  So you shouldn't feel uncomfortable talking about her either.

Two.  I understand the topic of death and loss does make many people uneasy.  Especially strangers.  I am not trying to make you feel awkward.  I just come by it naturally.

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