And then a woman with face tattoos screamed at me until I cleaned.

5 years ago

So I learned a very valuable lesson yesterday. Actually, I learned two. One, working from home is the best thing that was ever invented by humanity. True story. And two, too much reality tv will give you nightmares about people with face tattoos. 

Let me explain. 

I decided that the people of New York and New Jersey had been through enough and didn’t need me losing my mind if I had to wait in ONE MORE LINE for a billion hours just to go 4 miles. So instead, I did everyone a solid and stayed home to work in my sweatpants. Also, I am officially a genius.

First of all, something you should know about me is that, the colder and more miserable it gets outside, the happier I become. Likely because I was an Inuit in a former life. Or potentially because I still am one, not sure. But it’s always been the case that as the season changes from hot and sunny to cold and dreary, my mood continues to rise until I become nearly unbearable to all of the people around me, especially CB. 

Case in point: Yesterday, I was making dinner because I totally became Suzy Homemaker while also being Super Productive Work From Home Becky. And CB was thrilled. But as I was breaking bread (literally) and setting the table, I kept singing everything I was saying – usually to the tune of “Winter Wonderland” and sometimes in a sort of Julia Child-esque voice that I can only imagine was undeniably thrilling to anyway passing by in the hallway. And obviously, to CB as well. 

Me, in Julia Child voice: And then we break the bread…

CB: Seriously? There is something wrong with you, woman.

Me: But it’s a Winter Wonderland outside!

CB: This is going to be a very long winter. 

Whatever. I’m going to choose to enjoy the Nor’easter that blew through the coast yesterday because I’m fortunate to have heat and blankets and I’m not sleeping in a cold, dark apartment anymore. So it’s glorious.

However, what isn’t so glorious is the fact that I may never sleep again because I can’t get the face of Diabla out of my mind and dreamt that she was screaming at me to wash the floors last night. Which is, like, the nicest thing I think she’s ever screamed at anyone to do. For real. 

Who’s Diabla?  Uh, she’s a prisoner at Valley State Prison with full face tattoos on the reality show “Beyond Scared Straight” that CB introduced me to the other night. And then I On Demanded it yesterday morning as I responded to work emails and apparently was scared straight into never sleeping again.  

No joke, if I wasn’t already scared of breaking the law because I hate it when people are mad at me (and I have morals?), I would definitely decide against it after a 4 hour marathon-of-my-own-making of this show. 

What’s really terrifying is that I wasn’t even watching the show – I had it on and was sitting on the other side of the room working while it played in the background. So can you imagine what would’ve happened if I’d actually been stared in the face by Diabla and her prison friends for hours on end? Uh, I would’ve had to change my pants after wetting myself. No lie.'re welcome, America, good luck sleeping tonight!

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