American Shaving Horror Stories and 'Run Rash' Avoidance in the Southern Climes with Shave Secret (A Rather Personal Review)
After reading this, you must infer that my brain is not working. I admit dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling after this blogging event mostly because it's just downright difficult to talk about the freshness of the lady garden without scrunching up on the floor in a mass of billowing bashfulness.
So, allow me to preface the following review on Shave Secret for avoiding chafing and rash "down there" by stating that I do most of my running in my home state of Florida where it's common practice to groom the nether regions before outdoor activities. Even while driving.
Yes, just a few years back Florida resident, Megan Barnes lacked razor-sharp focus when she crashed her car in the Florida Keys while shaving her bikini line in traffic.
Not-so-smooth Megan was Florida's first bikini-shaving-related traffic offender that year. (I don't know how many we've had in the last few years). Apparently, the 37-year woman unleashed the kraken and was too busy trimming it to slow down her Thunderbird so she slammed into the back of the SUV near Mile Marker 21.
I have nothing to rival Megan's shaving horror story since I do my hair removal usually in the bathroom instead of in a moving vehicle but I can share my worst experience with shaving down there was done by a Floridian nurse in prep for a Caesarean. I argued with the hospital staff to let me do the shaving. In the end the staff won when they gave me a spinal block, but I was heard down the hallway yelling, "This isn't very sexy!"
styled by the staff of Baptist Hospital Pensacola
And here I am, a sloppy pruning-of-the-pregnant-lady-garden survivor reviewing a personal shaving product for the active person. And I have to admit, I hate shaving before a run. I hate that I have to spend my time shaving my legs, pits and lady parts while I could be doing other things that probably wouldn’t make me bleed in the crotch of my running briefs. I also hate that one bad swipe could cause razor burn for days. The latter can also prove torturous when running shorts also have seams in the southern climes.
Chafing from course hair or stubble is a pretty obvious problem, not just for us girls but also for men and their mounds of body hair. Not only does thick, coarse hair repopulate the rainforest and create an extra element of friction when running or cycling, but it has a tendency to retain all that sweat that they're trying to keep off of their skin. That's why more men are also embracing the idea of body-hair removal for the... well, men don’t like to use the term bikini line, so let’s just say the area where their crown jewels reside. It's true many manly cyclists shave to preserve their jewels. The reason they shave this area on down to their legs is to avoid the embarrassing consequences of getting the stuff caught up in their seats and front chain rings, I think.
Yeah, I'm sure that's the reason.
Getting jungle hair caught up in these traps could cause one to pitch over the handlebars with his GT in a serpentine embrace with his inferior limbs. This would hugely inconvenience the shiny triathlete who was about to demolish him and now has to extract his tri-bars from his nostrils, whilst roughing up his impeccably combed forearms.
Oh, and it is also apparently easier to get dirt and gravel out of a wound if the skin is shaved, as it can’t get stuck in matted up hair.
Not that I'm an expert on manscaping for the cycling camp, but I've always heard this dilemma can be solved by shaving with razors specially made for sensitive skin before straddling a bike. Or for the runner, shaving with a sensitive skin razor is best before trotting out in built-in brief-lined running skirts or shorts. However in the past, I've adhered to this advice and not only did I look like I’ve rubbed my thighs across asphalt while traveling at 30 miles per hour, I was also in a little bit of pain — not enough to arouse genuine sympathy from others, mind you, but enough that I notice. So basically what I'm saying is that shaving, even with a special expensive razor, has always sucked.
And don't get me started on Nair. Nair does nothing for hair down there except worry my nether regions and environmentalist friends about the bio-chemical load. I tried other techniques to get the bumps and irritation to stop, including really expensive Brazilian bikini wax on, wax off method that did get rid of unsightly hair. Just not all of it. This method is not for those of us of German descent who have the kind of hearty hair that’s meant to be shorn and woven into World War II parkas, trousers, mittens, head covers and liners to stave off the coldest winters and comfort one during famine from Allied occupation.
My one experience with Brazilian waxing was more painful than having my uterus taken out of my body during both cesareans.
And of course, laser hair removal is the latest trend my sister keeps informing me about. She let me take home her Tria hair removal laser and told me it would feel a little like soft rubber bands bouncing off your skin. Well, maybe it feels that way on the back of her fair-skinned blonde Swiss Miss pudding girl hand but upon first patch of my olive-toned inner thigh skin, I cussed her name from the confines of my bathroom because she's a damn $!&/*@' liar.
The 2 people in which laser hair removal works for
In addition to zapping my most sensitive areas with a blast of fire similar to that of a not-so-graceful twirling majorette midget trampling across my privates and forcefully dropping her fire baton on my 50 yard line, Tria emitted an accompanying burning smell. So I had to keep checking to make sure that my lady parts had not smoldered into a full-blown field fire.
So back to the shaving... this appears to be the best and only option to prep chafe-prone areas for a good long run. Even though it was never enjoyable. Razor burn is no joke. And neither is a certain spiky, off-putting quality to the razored flesh.
So it was a Godsend last fall when, in my race packet for the Pensacola marathon, I noticed a small sample blister of Shave Secret. The company is promoting its product now to runners because I've since seen it in other race packets and running expos. There are only a proprietary blend of base oils (cold pressed seed and nut oils), essential oils, RX grade menthol and natural fragrance oil in Shave Secret.
So it's basically a transparent shaving oil you rub on your skin instead of using shaving cream. Shave secret allows you to see clearly where you're going. To reduce irritation, you shave in the direction of hair growth. (It's also wise to defuzz at the end of your shower so that the steam has softened your hair and skin.). The pros are that you only use a few drops, you get an amazingly smooth irritation-free shave, and it loves you long time.
The only negative I perceive from this moisturizing goo is the gunk that can collect in your razor if not cleaned thoroughly. At first I tried picking oil-skin-hair cement out of my razor with a race bib safety pin and even though this be stilled my OCD heart, I quickly found out about the alcohol trick. Try this out: rinse your razor with rubbing alcohol after you use it, dry it on a towel, then take two shots of vodka in one cup of ginger ale. You'll love me for this tip, you'll think your clean razor rocks and you can significantly extend the life of your razor while feeling really good on your long run despite decreased reaction time and coordination.
Even cheap double-edge blades from Wal-Mart perform well with Shave Secret and can be cleaned with rubbing alcohol. Only thing is they aren't too nice on the environment so I'm losing even more of my online vegan friends this very second for mentioning this.
Regardless and even if you’re not a chafe-avoiding freakazoid like me, you can benefit from my addiction to this product. I’m always happy to tell you what I dig and (if you want) what is stupid and dumb and should never be purchased by any human ever.
I guarantee you that Shave Secret is the best item to get rid of unwanted hair growing wildly across your tundra.
Shave Secret is one personal grooming product you ought to have in your bathroom drawer right now. Today. This minute. Purchase it at your local retailer and while you’re there, also purchase a lovely thank you note because you’re gonna want to write me one. This magic potion is only about 4 bucks at Walmart for a month's worth of daily shaves. And For some reason, it’s in the men’s section with after shave, but if guys are willing to put it on their faces, I figure I can put it near my hoo haw. The packaging also says that it can replace all the other products you currently use. Just a few drops of the stuff as a pre-shave oil will prepare your privates and moisturizer them for hours afterward. It can also help lubricate electric razors, apparently. So, yeah, secret's out.
Oh, and Shave secret is also VERY GOOD for reducing ingrown hairs. Because of Shave Secret, my bella no longer looks like the acne-prone face of a teenage boy just learning to shave. It's shaving without chafing, and I’m sufficiently enthralled with it. Thanks to Shave Secret, hair removal before marathon training no longer eludes me. I am the long distance running She-rah, ultramarathon fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my legs this smooth, I’m almost positive I look exactly like Heidi Klum from the waist down. We're the same age and both have long legs. I’ll try not to stand near her so people won’t be confused by our equally beautiful selves.
Heidi Klum has the best hair, doesn’t she? I’m convinced if my hair color was exactly like hers, she and I would be twins. Naturally.
Despite feeling silky smooth and despite being scrunched over in a crumpled mass of abashed shyness after exposing the various gardening techniques for my southern climes, I can hardly contain my joy over being hand-selected to receive that sample of Shave Secret in my race bag. This golden bottle of goodness must be handcrafted by angels in Heaven and you can only get to try it for free if you’ve done something really great in your life – like crocheted cute socks for homeless kittens or donated your hair to Miley Cyrus so that she may walk among us unnoticed.
I’ve not only fallen in love with Shave Secret, I’ve kind of turned into a freak about it. I would go so far as to consider myself a Shave Secret Evangelist, kind of like Ted Haggard, but with less preacher-hair, meth, and same-sex escorts.
I gotta stop preaching about Shave Secret and its ability to wipe out run rash for today though because I have to go throw my hair in a pony tail, put on dark sunglasses and hunt for a replacement bottle at Wal-Mart. It sucks to be me.
But if you are even a tad bit like me, you'll go ten kinds of crazy for this stuff. Be brave and go get it.
Final disclaimer: I was not compensated monetarily for this review from the company in Cuero, Texas that produces Shave Secret. If you are reading this post and you cannot sleep at night unless you know once and for all whether I was paid by Shave Secret, comment below or email me. I will laugh at you for not having anything to do other than comment or email me, but I will answer.
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