I'm a sucker for those late-night weight-loss infomercials, and as a result own a library of workout DVDs and a machine that transforms into a torturous, in-home gym. At first, I enjoyed exercising on my own schedule in the privacy of my home. I wore my ratty Lycra shorts from the late 1980s and didn't care if I looked like a Richard Simmons reject.
Image: 2stops on Flickr
After months of listening to the same peppy instructors encouraging me to sweat through the pain, I wanted to kickbox the television. It didn't help that my daily exercise regimen included an audience of snickering children.
I ditched the DVDs in favor of a membership at a women's gym. Now I actually look forward to my workouts, but this enjoyment comes with a price. And I'm not talking about the cost of a one-year membership. While most of the gym women are considerate, there are those who make the experience less than pleasurable:
1. MIRROR HOGS: These are the women who run into class late and scoot in front to get a spot by the mirror. Coincidentally, they're the same people who lack coordination and throw the entire class off. I can't be responsible for what happens if my elbow connects with their face.
2. YAPPERS: After living on rabbit food for a month, the last thing I want to hear about is your orgasmic experience with a seven-layer brownie cake.
3. POOPERS: These ladies drop their stink bombs off in the gym bathroom before hitting the treadmills. I understand the need to clean out the bowels before working out, but do us all a favor and take your fiber supplements AFTER you exercise.
4. DNA SWAPPERS: Some people think nothing of leaving sweat puddles on the equipment or hacking up a lung while recovering from the flu. DNA samples are not necessary unless a forensics team needs them after drawing your chalk outline on the gym floor.
5. CHRONIC FARTERS: These women have blow holes like whales and no interest in corking it for the sake of other people's olfactory systems. When I Zumba into their fart clouds, my nose hairs feel singed and my eyes water as if I've been hit by tear gas.
6. EXHIBITIONISTS: Women who come to the gym in shorts that reveal every inch of uncovered lady bits and tank tops begging for a Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction. Go buy a freakin' bra.
7. EQUIPMENT HOGS:These people get lost in a daydream and sit for an hour on the machine instead of doing their reps. Makes me wish I had a pocket defibrillator or a taser to shock them into moving.
8. BARBIE DOLLS: You know the type. Perfect bodies. Botoxed out the butt ... and yet they whine, “OMG, I need to lose 20 pounds!” Just. Shut. Up.
The real heroes of the gym are the 70+ crowd of ladies still shaking their retired money makers in class. I admire their fortitude and hope to be just like them when I'm older. Flatulence and all.
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