Jammer contemplating the new year with the help of my crochet project
It's been a long time since I made a New Year resolution. I've mostly just allowed the years to slip by. But this year, I felt more reflective, perhaps because beginning to write 2012 on all my documents coincides with leaving my job and moving to a different state, reuniting with Navah and figuring out what comes next for me. With all the upheaval, I was drawn to a worksheet by Andrea Scher of Mondo Beyondo fame.
I sat down with a cup of tea this weekend and wrote out some of my thoughts about the year. It was a challenging one for me. I was often overcome, simultaneously, by anger, guilt, disappointment, shame - mostly with myself. I felt bereft of gratitude, which is perhaps the saddest state of all, and the one that left me feeling most ashamed. I was stuck for much of the year - in my own muckiness, wearing the evil twin sister of rose-colored glasses.
On the Mondo Beyondo worksheet, I had a difficult time answering the questions about courage and strength, about bravery, about the things I was proud of. I read a lot these days about having compassion - for ourselves, for others. Practicing that compassion meant that I searched hard for those places where I could be proud, where I could see strength.
But it also meant that I looked in the eye as best I could those places where I am disappointed, where I have let myself down. After all, if I can't admit my own failings this year, how will I find the courage to forgive myself for them?
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