So, are you the type who buys your dog little booties so that the salt and ice doesn't bother their paws or do you shove them outside onto the frozen tundra bootless and alone so you don't have to be with them?
Will you be the owner that considers the cancer surgery for your cat cost prohibitive or are you all in no matter what?
Will you pay to amputate two of your hamster's legs if it means little Buzzy gets to live?
Do you feed your pets the cheap stuff from Walmart? Search for pet friendly hotels when travelling?
How far will you go and how involved in your lives are your pets?
For the record, to all of you pet lovers out there; I love the two dogs we rescued. I believe that pets can bring unconditional love, offer companionship and spread joy. I hope that my children always have pets in their lives and will share that joy with their own children.
However, today it seems that people are more in love with their pets than ever and are finding new ways to include them in their daily activities. We have pet-friendly hotels, doggie day spas, and clothing lines that rival the best designers for humans. There are pets that have more frequent flyer miles than I do!
While I consider our dogs part of our family, it doesn't mean that I think they are family. I don't want them with me when I am running errands, going on vacation or, for that matter, going to the mall.
Surely, my dogs are getting the short end of that stick they chew up and leave all over my house. I'll just bet they regret not helping me pick out new shoes or waiting in the car while I food shop instead of hanging out in the yard chasing squirrels.
Here's how to tell the difference between a true, kind pet lover and a bad- tempered, cold hearted, bitch (pun intended) poser like me:
1. You and not your dog are driving your car: You know when you are behind a car bobbing and weaving and you think, "there's another drunk or idiot texter out on the road just waiting to kill me, and then you get past them and see it's actually the dog driving? It's an aha moment.
2. You have better clothes than your dog/cat/goldfish: Seriously, I've seen nicer coats on pets than on their owners. Who knew they had style when it came to choosing doggie wear, but completely missed it when dressing themselves?
3. Your bag contains the following: chapstick, your phone, keys, sunglasses, tic-tacs, old dry- cleaning slips, chewed up gum, a broken pencil, a bunch of pennies, runaway lifesavers, but sadly, no mini Chihuahua.
4. You spend more time worrying about kids with no homes than pets with no homes.
5. The pictures and videos on your phone, in your albums and posted on your social media sites contain humans and not various pets in human- like poses, doing human- like feats. (The cat dressed in a red riding hood cape racing up and down the walls doesn't make you pee your pants with laughter.)
7. You train your dog in the yard with hotdogs and cheese, and pass on the "puppy socialization" classes. How much do they cost anyway and who is the socialization really for?
8. When you make a smoothie or prepare an organic meal, after shopping at the special organic stuff store, and spending enough money to feed six kids in Uganda, you drink/eat it. It doesn't go into the designer aluminum bowl for Fido.
9. You would never, ever, ever consider using the words doggie and spa in the same sentence.
10. Should you come home to a chewed up shoe, and it cost over $300, there is no question said pet would be on the next "missing pet alert."
So who's with me? I love my pets, but clearly, not enough. I'm sure there's a special place in hell for those horrible people like me who wouldn't buy the doggie winter boots, and would let poor Buzzy go toward the light with all four legs intact, and it's got my name on it. Actually, if I were really smart I'd start a business selling those boots. Millions, people, millions...
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