This being my attempt at blogging I hope I don’t bore you away as I tell you little about my story. I guess you could say my first bought with depression began as a child because I was the “fat” kid and was tormented by so many kids as well as some adults. I began to hate my body, and myself so I tried to stay to myself as much as I could. I would cry myself to sleep and think why cant I be “normal” why cant I feel happy. I just always assumed it was because of all the teasing and torment I went thru as a child from peers and some family members. Even as a kid and teenager suicide was always on my mind. At the age of 16, I made my 1st attempt with a 5th of Jack Daniels and a bottle of pain pills. After having my stomach pumped and a ride in the back of a deputy’s car to the state mental hospital my parents got me the help I needed for a while, but still went undiagnosed. I felt like hell for putting my parents through my rants and raves while I was still searching for my “NORMAL”
I later discovered as an adult that I was bipolar and suffered from depression after my husband of several years just couldn’t stand not knowing if he would come home from work to find me dead, took me to our family doctor. Hence my 2nd trip to a private hospital and hearing the words “you are bipolar with major depression” Being bipolar is like riding a roller coaster with your emotions. People who don’t have bipolar really don’t understand what it is like living inside your head from day to day, every moment of everyday I feel like my mind never stops. Some days I cant seem to make it out of bed. Not only do I deal with bipolar and depression I also suffer from Fibromyalgia, herniated disk in my neck and back along with degenerative disc disease being in constant pain made my moods worse even with the meds for my mental illness. I was being given muscle relaxors, methadone, and zanax just to be able to deal with the physical pain. Between the physical pain and being engaged and living with an alcoholic my depression spiraled out of control. The roller coaster ride begins at full force. I became addicted to the pain meds, just to cope, but addicted nonetheless.
On April 17, 2010 I was so tired of fighting the ex’s bottle, my physical pain and most of all the mental pain. I took an overdose of 21 zanax along with methadone and muscle relaxors, If it had not been for my Daddy coming to check on me I would be dead now. When my father found me I was told that I had already turned blue. I woke up 1 day later in ICU where the nurses told me that it was touch and go. I spent 7 days confined to my ICU room with a guard 24 hours a day.
I woke up to see the hurt in my families face; I made a promise to my Mom and Daddy that I wouldn’t ever try too harm myself again. Thank God that I was taken to a very wonderful place for help. I am now in taper and attend a weekly women’s group. I have such a great support group there, it helps so much.
I’m not going to lie with my depression and bipolar I struggle everyday, but I am now learning some tools that I apply everyday. I still think about suicide but I no longer have the urge to do it. I still feel like burden on my family and friends and I struggle with that’s as well. I thank God everyday that he let me live and that maybe my short version of my story will help others see that help is out there for us all.
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