Is That a Mushroom, or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

5 years ago

Have you ever had to google “wiener mushrooms?” The results you get are weird. Particularly the dude who asked Yahoo Answers why his wiener looked like a mushroom. That’s got to be fake, right? But, I digress.

Sunday morning I went outside to clean up the carnage from the party, and discovered these. They literally popped up overnight. {snicker}

I made Nick come outside and take a look by explaining that we seem to have yard dicks. Of course he was intrigued and obviously we had to take pictures.

The proper name for this thing is the "Elegant Stinkhorn." Of course it would show up in my yard. I am an elegant f*cking lady after all.

After some research and a couple texts to people who garden, we discovered that our yard dicks were actually a type of mushroom called a stinkhorn. Which is a member of the Phallus group of mushrooms.

Phallus? Really? The namer of this mushroom class, was clearly more mature than I am. Ok, I realize that isn’t difficult, but come on people!

Unfortunately, this was NOT in my yard. I would allow it to stay, just so I could walk past it and laugh.

Nick dug up the first three that we found, as well as their nest of roots (stinkhorn pubes?) and future yard dick, which resemble small chicken eggs. After yesterday’s rain, I noticed another one and went to do my part. While I was digging up the first, another reared it’s ugly head ~ pun intended ~ right in front of me! Absolutely f*cking revolting.

Through out history, some have eaten stinkhorns hoping they would provide an aphrodisiac reaction. Yuck. They are covered in slime (the dark area on top), and the smell has been compared to decaying flesh. I’m sorry, but I’m not eating anything that smells like dead things, no matter how much I want some hibbidy dibbidy. In fact, I’m pretty sure that would completely kill the mood.

Also, I would like you all to know, that I am not just a perv that sees dingles everywhere. This is from the Cornell University mushroom blog (yes, this exists): “It seems that stinkhorns are comparable with mammalian penises because both “erections” are maintained by pressurized fluid rather than solid tissue. Blood supports a real penis, while the stinkhorn is supported by water through osmotic pressure.” This is the science-y way of saying that we had mushroom boners right under the kids treehouse. Disgusting, yet hilarious.

For real, it’s just way too easy. It’s just an open door to snickering and seventh grade level jokes.

The jokes could go on for days... DAYS!

On the bright side, the presence of yard dicks means we have really fertile soil. Sha-wing! Ain’t we lucky? Yet another surprise to country livin’.

I’m not sure why you would, but if you are just dying to learn more about the stinkhorn, you can do so by clicking here.

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