Crack Reality Show Ridiculousness

7 years ago

Bret MichaelsI’ll admit my guilty pleasure: watching cable reality shows. I love anything having to do with food or cooking, interior designing, traveling, and constructing or renovating homes.

Those shows, I rationalized, were educational and broadened my horizons. But, like a gateway drug - I slowly started experimenting with prime-time reality. Like many first-time ‘users’, I began with American Idol. I thought I would just watch the tryouts, as I heard they were the funniest and most outrageous bits. It couldn’t hurt to keep watching the entire season, though – it was only one night a week.

Then, it was Hell’s Kitchen. I had to record it in the early days, as Gordon Ramsey’s outbursts were so upsetting to me that I couldn’t fall asleep easily afterwards. As the season progressed, I watched it on ‘live delay’ – I would let 30-40 minutes pass by, so I could zip forward through the commercials. Which led to watching it live; I couldn’t WAIT for the f-bomb tirades…

Then I got hooked on Dancing with the Stars. A few years ago, I would have eschewed such mindless brain-suck TV. Now, I can lead the water-cooler dish on who should go/stay and what amorous liaisons are percolating.

Like any junkie, I think of ways mix to addictions; to create a new hybrid of reality speedball highs. Here are my suggestions which I will Tweet, Facebook and blog to my network peeps:

Dancing with the Top Chef

America’s top 3-StarMichelin chefs will compete for a Mirrored All-Clad Saucier Pan by creating dishes that represent ballroom dances including the Paso Doble, Foxtrot, and Viennese Waltz. Hosted by Tom Colicchio and Bristol Palin.

What Not to Wear on the Celebrity Apprentice

TLC’s Stacy London and Clinton Kelly are back with acerbic comments and life-changing makeovers for Celebrities competing for charities via lame marketing projects. First episode: Trump fires Bret Michael’s bandanna.

Project Runway’s Biggest Loser

Upcoming designers compete for the coveted Fashion Week by working sweat-shop hours creating designs for Heidi Klum to judge with her irritating tone (who said every accent was sexy?). The winner is determined by which designer lost the most weight while designing the most cohesive ‘melt-down moment’ themed collection. Outrageous gay males may get a spin-off series.

Are you hooked yet? Wait for it...my pièce de résistance:

Survivor: The Real Housewives of Dog, the Bounty Hunter

Duane, “Dog” Chapman is sent to a remote, tropical island where he must find and serve all of the wives and ex-wives of his extended family.  Housewives must survive on hardship foods like “Crab with a K™” and Faux Gras – “Foie Gras without the Cruelty” while wearing Jimmy Choo knock-offs. High jinks ensue.

 Seriously, are you jonesing yet? Send your ideas and suggestions directly to me for submittal to my Network-network. You may – OK, will be – forced to sign an NDA which gives me exclusive rights to your idea. Don’t worry, though, that’s just what agents do. I wouldn’t bogart our little secret.

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