Early in my adult life, I would see people have cosmetic surgery and think, "I am never doing that, ever!" There are parts of my face that I think could use a "redo," but when it comes down to it, these features are what God gave me, and unless they are doing me harm or causing me pain, they are what makes me look like me, so I've never had the desire to go "under the knife" to improve my looks.
The one part of my body that I figured was going to challenge that thought process was my breasts. It has always been the topic of conversation among my friends - my large boobs. They'd always make comments to me like, "I wish I had some of your boobs!" or "You'd have cleavage in a turtleneck!" I've never been self conscious about them, in fact, I always loved having big breasts. Sure, it limited things I could wear and I had to be careful not to put things on that went too low-cut, because I didn't want to show things I shouldn't, but for the most part, I really thought I had nice looking breasts. They were big, but perky and firm.
I was very worried when I got pregnant, about what it was going to do to them. Would they get ginormous, then deflate down flat and long against my stomach? Would they suffocate my child during breastfeeding? Well, they did get large. Very large. Like, full-sized DD large. Then, they just never went back down. They've remained that size and haven't reduced in size one bit. I have been carrying an extra 30 pounds, so at this point I am 5'11 and 180, which is about 25 pounds more than what my body type should be. However, my stomach isn't large. I am not fat around the mid-section, or at least, not really. I wear a size 12 pants, so I could lose a few more inches around my waist. But I wear an XL shirt. I look much heavier than what I actually am. Why? Because of my breasts.
It occured to me the other day that the real reason I wear an XL shirt is so that the shirt can fit around my breasts, not so it will fit my tummy. My shoulders and neck hurt all the time from my bra. I can barely fit into a swimsuit at all, without coming out of it, even the most conservative ones. I keep thinking, if I lose more weight, surely they'd get smaller. But then, I think back to my smallest weight ever, during my depression/break up days of 2003, when I got down to 127 pounds (at 5'11, mind you, which is way underweight.) I was still wearing a full B/small C bra. So, at this point, I am thinking that even losing that extra weight, my breasts are still always going to be very large. And of that extra weight, I would bet that 10 to 15 pounds of it comes from my very heavy breasts.
The other day, I called my insurance, who told me that the cost is covered, if medically necessary and approved. After that conversation, I made an appointment with a cosmetic surgeon who will hopefully be able to get the cost covered by my insurance. At this point, there are so many aches and pains I have that I can contribute to being top-heavy. I am a little nervous, especially having surgery for something that isn't life or death, but at this point, I feel as though it would not only make me feel better physically, but also make me feel more secure with my body. I am no longer proud of my beautifully perky large breasts. I do everthing I can to try to cover them up, which includes anything from wearing scarves and sweaters constantly, even on warm days, to wearing sports bras with t-shirts to try and compress them down. My bras are never, ever comfortable for me, and the ones that are do not hold me up whatsoever.
I guess for me, this cosmetic surgery is "cosmetic" to a point, since it is to look better. But I feel that women who have very large breasts are living with something that most people won't understand. It's not a disability, but it is a hindrance to a certain extent. This is not a big deal, especially not compared to other important things, but I can't even cross my arms anymore. There are very few shirts I have to choose from anymore, and shopping for extra large shirts when you are not extra large is kind of heartbreaking, especially when the rest of you isn't. The feeling of underwire and elastic digging into areas of the entire top half of your body, constantly, for 10 hours a day does hurt. And knowing you are probably going to have to pay much more to have bras specially made for your size, because you are the largest size that most stores offer (and getting those to fit is stretching it a little) is hard to accept. Trust me, I don't need to look like a 20 year old, I would just like to look like the best version of me, and right now, I feel great about myself, with the exception of my breasts.
If you had choice to fix something on yourself, would you take it?
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