I don't want to talk about my weight in public. I don't want to bemoan the number of calories in foods with my friends. When I am out and about in the world, I want to focus on things of a far higher caliber than this process of losing weight and being a bit more fit. I don't want my attention to fall on how well my pants fit or my profile looks in the window reflection. I don't want my mind to fill itself up with that garbage. I want to be out and about having fun, working hard, building relationships, having new experiences and contributing.
And on some level I guess I'm doing that.
It's hard to believe that last year at this time was only one year ago. I was miserable and upset and depressed and tired and sick and feeling really down on myself and really out of touch with ME. Now I'm not.
Of course it helps that right now I'm fairly healthy.
It also helps that the de-tox tea I'm drinking to shed some water weight after my travels and feasting is having a nice effect three days into the process and I'm able to suck my gut in a bit more. I think it helps me want to eat better when I can actually feel portions of my gut as opposed to when I'm just bloated and stuffed.
It helps that I went to the gym this morning and got some leg muscles activated. They are kinda singing and dancing today even though I didn't do a whole lot to really earn it.
It helps that I'm working again. The stress it adds isn't always fun, but the cognitive stimulation is great and I love contributing to my community. I was working last year too, but that job took up more time and more stress.
It helps that my kids are both over two years old. They're so much more fun now. I've been saying that almost each step of the way, but really - life is much easier now and especially so now that they're sleeping decently well.
But mainly it helps because I've lost weight. I don't feel helpless and powerless. The thing that shames me isn't as shameful. I'm okay with right where I'm at and the result is that I have more energy, feel more capable, feel more like my regular self.
I'm trying to focus a bit more on the exercise and moderate eating for the next couple weeks before I travel again, but I'm also planning on doing some baking. I'll sample more than my calorie counter will suggest, but that's okay. I assume I'll put on a couple pounds over the holidays and that's okay too.
I will continue to try to fit in exercise and I will stick to my flax seed oatmeal breakfast and making some good dietary choices, but overall, I don't plan to let it be the stuff at the front of my brain. Instead I will travel and enjoy and recognize that when I return back home to my normal routine, I will be able to put that stuff at the forefront.
In fact, I have to.
This last January, I made myself priority number one. It was really hard making my exercise happen before time with the kids, but I needed to do that to make sure my stuff didn't get pushed aside. Looking at how things are when we travel and since returning home, I can see how important putting myself first is for this process.
So in January, after the holidays, I will be ME first again. It won't be easy and I'll gripe and complain and fall apart and mess up, but nothing will be like it was last year when I was so lost and unhappy. I don't ever want to be in that space again.
So. Blogs are a good thing because within this blog, I can focus ALL this attention on my weight and this process, while outside of this blog, I can interact and engage with others about so many richer more interesting and valuable things.
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