When a Miscarriage Happens to You (What to expect & how to cope)

3 years ago


I think i'm ready to talk about it.  Its been a long time since I had my first miscarriage back in 2006.  This was the first of 3 miscarriages that I have dealt with and although they have passed and i've moved on, I have come to realize that sometimes, the feelings behind all three still creep in and affect me in ways I was not prepared.  It's the end of June and yesterday I was sitting on my patio, reflecting on the day.  I had been highly weepy and emotional all day and I was confused as to why.  Then as I sat in the quiet summer breeze, watching my son play in the grass and wading pool, it dawned on me that if I had not miscarried in 2006, I would have had a seven year old this month, in June, maybe playing in the yard, just as my son was.  It reminded me of the great sense of loss I felt that first time.  It's almost indescribable. I am still learning what this type of loss means.  You hurt, you grieve, you are reminded of it, and I think subconsciously, you remember it when the anniversary approaches.  I have since put that loss to rest with the first one.  I had been in college and it was with an old boyfriend, not possibly the best situation for raising a child, but not the worst either.   My 2nd miscarriage happened this past March, right after we had announced the pregnancy to family and freinds.  This one was different than the first.  The pregnancy was public knowledge, and I started spotting first, so I called the doctor.  It progressivley got heavier and I ended up going to the ER and miscarrying.  The same feelings of loss flooded me but this time, it was harder.  This pregnancy had been planned, my husband and I were so excited, our family and friends were happy for us and we felt ready and prepared.  What I wasnt prepared for was the physical effects of miscarriage this time around.  My body felt like it was hit by a train, I felt weak and exhausted.  My hormones were going up and down like a yo-yo and I fell into a cynical type depression.  I also gained 10 ibs after the miscarriage and despite going to the gym and trying, my body was just...stuck.  After the physical ain, the emotional pain raged, too.  People don't really know what to say to you after something like this happens and feelings of embarassment or failure on your end are common.  Thanks so social media like facebok, we had announced the pregnancy to all, and now, I was reminded of the miscarriage every time somebody would mention on facebook "Hey hows the pregnancy going?"  You feel so shattered its not like you want to announce again to eveyrone that the pregnancy failed, so you have to tell people one by one.  It's emotionally exhausting.  Then there's the comments "you're young, you'll have more kids..."  Not the nicest thing to say to somebody who is grieving a loss.  Another thing people tend to forget about is how it can affect the father.  I know after this time around, my husband was hurt and he didn't get much support from anybody who really understood his side of loss from a man's perspective.  I think men have a natural tendency to want to protect and care for their wives and when something happens that they can't fix or help, it makes them feel helpless and upset, almost like they have somehow failed.  The bottom line, though, is that the process of grief after miscarriage is different for everybody.  There is not a time limit for you to get over it or move on, and it may take a ntoll differently on different people.  And that's okay.  The key to surviving this situation is to give yourself the time and space you need to feel better.  Your body and your emotions are going to be fragile for a while, and you can't expect people to understand but you can let them know that you need some time to refresh yourself.  It's ok.  My husband and I took a trip out of town shortly after, for a weekend and it was a much needed private time for us both to start to feel normal again.  Miscarriages do happen and it is hard to process, but being aware of your emotional needs is the first step to healing through it.


Here are some common physical side effects of a miscarriage (americanpregnancy.org):

Spotting/vaginal bleeding that may imitate a period

Lower abdominal cramping up to a few days after miscarriage

breast discomfort

pregnancy hormones present in blood (can be present up to 1-2 months after miscarriage)

physical weakness/exhaustion

Some of the more emotional effects are:

Going through a grieving process

1) Shock & denial

2) Anger, guilt, depression

3) Acceptance

A woman who has miscarried may also feel angry, jealous or irritable due to the loss and may not want to be around other pregnant women for a period of time.

Conflicts in relationships (with partner)

Finally, there are a few things you can do to help yourself (and your partner) through coping with the loss:

1) Ask for help in breaking the news

2) Don't take hurtful comments to heart

3) Help others understand

4) Don't apologize for your pain

5) Seek Support

*Detailed list can be found at






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