Here I am, once again facing the mirror, with a shocked expression that shows disbelief beyond what any words could say.
Well, if you're one of my friends or family, or anyone who has seen my physique, you would ask what drug I was on... but there really is no name for the drug. No name, that is, other than body dysmorphia.
And what a bitch of a "drug" it is! You don't get high, and it doesn't help with your self esteem while under the influence... It just makes everything magnified. It's literally like looking at your best features from far away, and viewing your flaws under a microscope... at the same time. So when I view myself, I ignore the best of me. I virtually see the worst.
And yes, I know--- You all probably are well aware of what eating disorders are. I'm sure this is no surprise to any of you.
But it was sure surprising to me when I realized that's exactly what I had. All my life, I have been a very healthy eater, and even an athlete! However, in more recent years, I laid off the exercise and, in replacement to calorie-burning sports, I starved.
I lost 10 pounds in a week through starvation methods, and was horribly sick.
I guess this is my letter to Anorexia, and the reader of my letter. I am explaining my suffering to the disorder, and my life to those interested.
All I can say, "Ana", is that you're a witch. You're a no good, godforsaken devil that haunts me. You make me cry, you control me.
I deserve my control! Especially after every time my control has been taken away! And I don't blame it on you. No, I don't. Instead, I will blame it on the demons that have haunted me for so long. If it wasn't the drugs that were ravaging me, it was you. If it wasn't you, it was the self mutilation. If it wasn't that, it was something else.
It doesn't matter in whatever the demons manifested themselves, all I know is that I'm free and ready to fight them off. I regain control in God's name, and I curse you away from me. I'm ready to love myself, not attempt to morph myself to another's liking. I refuse to, because I'm worth more than that.
I am worth my weight in gold, no matter how much that weight is!
Not yours! But just as sincerely,