Weighting around

5 years ago

Yet again, I find myself home when I really should have gone to the gym. It's yoga for God's sake. I love yoga and I'm always happy after I go to a class. I'm not sure what's going on with me about working out. I was doing really well for like, 2 months but now I'm slacking. Today the excuse was: I don't really like that class. The instructor isn't interesting or challenging and last time I went there were only two of us in there. Also, if I don't go to yoga, I will stay home and write something.
Well at least I'm keeping up that end of the deal. Typing burns calories and builds lean muscle right?

I guess I'm just like the rest of the world - I want instant gratification. When I decide to work out and eat right and cut the shit...I don't get immediate results. Logically, I know that is impossible. However, since when am I run by logic? I'm run by emotions most of the time. Unless I'm making an effort to be logic based and to hell with what I'm feeling, I will go with what makes me feel good every time. I think a lot of people are like this actually. Because if we don't FEEL something, it ain't happening. And a lot of what I've felt since undertaking this challenge, is frustrated, fatter, and failure. I've been proud of myself here and there but mostly...not so hot.

Logically, I know that things take time. A lot of time. My friend, Lindy, told me to give it six months so I'm still clinging to that. I'm not overeating or indulging. Diet changes are relatively easy for me. As long as I can have sweet stuff, I don't really care what else I eat. It doesn't matter to me if I eat chocolate or an apple for a late night snack. I know eating then at all is foolish but old habits die hard and how bad is it really to consider an apple an indulgence?

I'm also aware that Fear is at work here. Fear of trying because if I really try, like really for real real, I risk a lot. Failure is something I've felt many times. I don't want to feel it again. So, my old pal Fear whispers in my ear, reminding me of all the failures of the past, how much that sucked, how it felt, and how much safer it is to just stay home, on the couch, maybe take one class per week so I can say I'm trying and nobody will argue with me. Fly below the radar.

Fear also plays dirty. It will straight up lie to keep me safe. It will tell me, being overweight is better because I draw less attention, it helps me fit in. Being overweight is normal but being fit is not. That I look foolish in workout classes, that I'm weak and can't keep up.

Arguing with Fear takes a lot of time. A lot of energy right now that I tell myself I don't have but really? I totally do. I'd just rather invest the energy in writing or reading or watching movies and Reno 911 re-runs. I've been toying with the idea of making a vision board or a few vision boards really, to have around the house and in my car. Something visual to remind me of what I want and what it takes to get there. Something that doesn't lecture or judge. Just sits there looking at me filled with motivation and inspiration. Hmmm...I'll let you know how it goes...

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