Today was busy. I took care of a 22 month old from the moment he woke up until he went to sleep. He was wonderful - and gave me moments of sheer joy with his big hugs, smiles, and excitement for life. Of course, he also kept me running around. I still managed to get some of the backlog of housework started. I finaly brought the dirty dishes out of the RV to get them washed, I mailed a letter for Jim that was sitting around for a week, I brought in the rain soaked blankets that we used to cover the tomatoes before they frosted and got them washed. I made a healthy beef and vegtable soup for dinner. I also took Jim and the baby to two doctor appointments and waited for some lab work.
I should be feeling pretty good tonight - but I'm not. Jim's anger over all the things I have not done was boiling over tonight. He focused mostly on the dog because I haven't gotten her for a run. Well really it doesn't matter what he focused on - mostly I am feeling discouraged just as I was starting to get a tiny bit of energy. I feel resentful for all the time I spend waiting on him, serving his food, ect. It is as if he doesn't see it. Today I basically gave my day to my family and I felt okay about that, but I lost my balance at his anger and judgement of me.
I choose, right now, not to use his behavior as an excuse to slip backwards into negative thought patterns and behaviors of my own. I deserve to take care of myself, my heart, my soul, my spirit, my body and my mind. I cannot make Jim well or happy - but I can and will work towards my own wellness and happiness. Tonight I will get up from the computer, I will finish the work that I wanted to complete, I will take my medicines, and I will go to sleep. I am a good person, doing the best I can - not doing everything - but I am continuing to try to be a healthier, happier, more compassionate person - who cradles her own broken self with the same kindness, gentleness, understanding and love that I give to others.
Tomorrow I will exercise, get the RV in to be serviced, and spend some time at the studio.
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