Today I am mostly making rude gestures at the world ...

5 years ago

 

I am pissed off.  And I get it.  For once I understand why.  I've just sat in a hot bath and gone through my feelings.

My husband and I were invited last minute for drinks next door.  My first thoughts being that I don't want anyone to see me and my hair is a mess.  I am definitely in a hiding away mode at the moment and my self confidence is very low.  So I send my husband over to keep next door's hubby company as I know she's having the girls round (who are also my friends and are all super skinny). 

I am sitting in the sodding bath, listening to the laughter and chatter next door, crying.  I should be there.  I should be with my husband and my friends, having a drink and enjoying myself.  But no, I hate myself so much I'll just sit in the bath and cry about it.

Next I think about a friend of mine who I have had a falling out with in the past but she thinks all is well and as it was.  Well, I will be friendly and I'll help her and support her but I'll never trust her again.  She went to a ticket-only party last night that was set up for a group I belong to and she has zero links to.  She got a ticket last minute and went and had a ball.  Why didn't I go?  Because I don't want anyone to see me.  I made the excuse to a few people that I had enough outings going on at the moment and couldn't justify another one.  Truth being that I don't want to be seen.  And so it annoys me that, in her thin-ness, she goes to a party that I should have gone to.  That should have been me!  And to add insult to injury she jettisons the profile photo of her and I at a party in favour of a photo of her last night with her new BFF. Oh my god, what have I turned in to?  Pathetic or what?!

Then I think about those two things I am annoyed about and realise that it makes me look very needy.  Irritatingly victim-like and needy. 

I need to get this sorted.  It's one thing not liking my body but not liking my nature is actually making me sad.  What am I going to have left?!

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