I usually write more for myself then for other people. Writing is theurapetical for me in more than one way, it helps me see clearer whenever a problem comes around.
Certainly at this moment in my life I'm facing a major problem.
I've been married for 28 years know, it was May 15th, 1986 when we decided to tie the knot. We made a promise to each other that day, that no matter, what we would stick it through.
However, nobody told me that menopause does strange things to your body and mind to the point that I don't want to stick it through.
Yesterday, as I fumed against my husband I felt completely irrational because he wasn't doing something that was that terrible, and I remembered the years when we were having our children.
Usually noon is a hectic time for me, and he decided to go over to his mom's to take something. Making lunch drives me nuts because he goes to work after 2:00 pm and it puts pressure on me. It's not that he doesn't offer to help, it's that I refuse it.
This isn't the first time difficult times have happened during our marriage. Twenty- five years ago during our first child's pregnancy it was the same thing. Back then it was worse, I refused to cook any meals at all.
Blame it on hormones, but during my pregnancies I hated my husband's guts. Not because he had participated in me getting pregnant, but just because I did. To top it off, my mother in law was included in the list.
Each time I would become pregnant, my husband would enter his personal inferno for about seven out of the nine months of the duration of it, and that situation repeated itself a "couple" of times.
Apparently my menopause is going to be exactly the same way.
Some days I love him and others I hate him.
I feel I'm going through puberty again combined with pregnancy. What a horrible thing!!
The worst part is that I don't know how to talk to someone about it. Actually I feel like a crazy person sometimes, and to top it off I can't sleep well. For the first time in my life, I'm on sleeping medications.
Righ now it's five-thirty in the morning and I'm sweating like a pig.
For a person that never sweated unless I was excercising or doing some type of work this can be terrible.
But coming back to my marriage, I know this can damage our relationship, specially if he doesn't have an idea what's going on. Just a couple of days ago, he told me that I was shutting myself away from him. To what I replied, that I wasn't feeling great.
His answer for heartwarming, when he told me, "We can go through this together.". He was offering me company in my personal menopausic havoc without even knowing what's going on in my head. These are the moments I love him.
Then, he folds the towels the wrong way and I get "super" upset. That's when my irrational hate comes into the picture.
Even to myself I sound crazy.
You know what my dear friends, I'm going to have to crack the shell and talk to him about my feelings. You'd think it's easy, well sorry to break it to you, but it's not. The more time you've been married the worse it is.
What can I say? I had a terrible puberty, aweful pregnancies and on tops it seems the three headed monster of menopause is proving as daunting. Each one of its heads being more horrible and ugly looking then the other.
If my marriage survived my pregnancies, let's hope it can survive my menopause.
See you along this cautostrophic journey.
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