Symptoms, glamorous symptoms

5 years ago

So what do me and Jamie Lee Curtis have in common? 

We can't take a shit, apparently. Constipation is one of many truly glamorous symptoms of pregnancy that I had no idea I would get. I feel like the only one people talk about openly is morning sickness. Fortunately, I have not had a very severe case of this; I mostly just sit at my desk gagging for a few seconds, a couple times a day, and that's about it. But I feel like at this point I'd trade my mild nausea for one good old fashioned trip to the dump. 

I have never been exactly normal on this front. I am a "feast or famine" kind of gal, to quote a funny friend of mine. But since I got pregnant, it has been really bad. And talk about NOT feeling sexy. I wanted to keep this particular symptom a secret from my husband, but one night when I was near tears because I was so miserable, I finally blurted it out. "I can't shit!" I wailed, holding my bloated stomach. He was sympathetic, but it was not a romantic moment. 

Other delightful symptoms: the bloating. My god, the bloating. I wake up looking fairly normal, and then by the end of the day my stomach is so bloated and distended that I look like one of those poor malnourished children in the Unicef ads. (Yeah, I already know I'm an awful human being for making that comparison.) I was so bloated at the end of one work day that a woman offered me her seat on the subway. I am only 13 weeks! I'm really not showing yet. It was just the bloat. (I was both humiliated and grateful for the seat.)

Then there's the acne. Guys, I never had zits this bad, not even when I was a freaking teenager. Between the constipation, bloating and ravaged skin, I am a triple threat of sexiness right now. My husband still finds me irresistible, bless him. But I am ready for the cute baby bump phase and not the tired, grouchy, bloated, zitty-but-not-shitty part to pass. What on earth do celebrities do when they are going through this phase? Just hide out in their mansions? Somebody must know the answer to this. 

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