I woke up and threw on my jogging bra and a sweatshirt (as well as shorts) and when the time came where I couldn't procrastinate any longer, I began my 8 minute abs. I finished those and feeling warmed up, I took off my sweatshirt.
I glanced in the mirror as I put in the Jillian DVD and experienced a moment of disappointment in my lack of visible changes, but decided that nobody but the kids was going to see me, so I could exercise without a t-shirt. And there was where I saw my motivation plummet.
I began with those horrible jumping jacks and not only could I feel my stomach blopping along, but I could SEE it blopping. It is so unpleasant to look at.
I know there's all the stuff out there about love and accept your body, but my body is not really doing it for me. It's past the point where I love and accept it. It gets tired on me. It has no stamina. It looks lousy in clothing and it's just plain old getting older. It needs some love and care and I'm trying to do that, but....it's SUCH a long process.
And yes, I know - it has only been 16 days of doing this, but in the midst of those 16 days it feels like years and years.
I am eating a calorie load that should maybe allow me to lose two pounds for week. At night I quickly calculate what that will look like in two months. I remember some old jeans that will probably fit me at that point. I get excited and then I go to sleep.
But morning comes and exercising in this body is not very fun and I've definitely learned that looking at myself in my unhealthy state is not very motivating. It just makes me feel more tired and more overwhelmed. So tomorrow I will wear my slimming t-shirt and a head band so my hair doesn't look so 40 year old blah and I will do it again. And I will try not to dwell on what a slow process it is.
I have to admit that I am scared that I will stop doing what I am doing. Motivation is a funny thing because it's so easy to disarm it and look the other way. Why is that.
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