This week I have returned to my days of yore - spoonfuls of peanut butter laced with chocolate bits, caramel squares, brownies, tortillas with cheese and big servings of burgers and fries. At moments, I wonder if it's necessary for me to lace my peanut butter spoons with chocolate bits - aren't those really just extra non-necessary calories that I'm loading on - calories that don't even add much tastes.
I see my behaviors and notice my reactions and my feelings and I suppose the best I can do right now is learn from it all.
My process is not over. I have not raised the white flag of defeat. I am not giving up, nor am I powerless. I'm just on an unplanned hiatus that will need to come to an end.
And what has started this? Ah heck, I don't know. Yes, I do. Last year, I wasn't working and my focus went onto my health. This year, I am now juggling all the different things I love to do and making my head busy with hopeful aspirations of projects I want to start. My focus is not there and I'm learning that I need to focus more specifically on the things I want to do.
I'm great at coming up with goals. I'm great at starting things. Carrying them out is a different story. Well, carrying out SO MANY things is a different story.
The result is that I feel like a lousy mother because I'm busy working on work that always takes me longer to do than I expect. I feel like a lousy instructor because if I just knew my stuff that much better and spent more time preparing, I could be that much better. I feel like a lousy partner because I'm too busy to want to just hang out. I feel like a lousy hometaker because we have too much clutter and the kids just seem to find every compacted zone of clutter and uncompact it. I feel fat in my belly. I feel sluggish. I need the sleep so I sleep in and don't go to the gym. I feel fat so I eat to perk up. I feel uninspired so I eat, unmotivated so I eat, unanything so I eat.
And through all of this there has been very little exercise.
But the day a friend watched the kids and I went out skiing, I felt great!!! And then I went to yoga and felt good. And then I was excited for the next day of skiing, but the weather turned so that didn't happen.
Never before have I realized how important the exercise is for me. I really think it provides my body with a level of stimulation that my body craves. When I don't get it from exercise, I think I try to get it from food. Does this change my behaviors? Of course not. I'm so totally human.
We are planning a month long paleo challenge in April. Friends of ours are doing the paleo30 challenge and it appealed to us. I don't like being part of the fads or "in" things, but I do like a good challenge and the structure of it will allow my husband and I to truly address some of the things we've been concerned with over the last year...
Sugars! And salts. Our kids like sugar and salt and pastas and fries and sometimes we fall into the traps where they're eating very fluffy breakfasts or lunches. We try to feed them well, but it's easy to slide down into easier food choices. We've commented on it throughout the year, but we've never tried to actively and consistently address it. The paleo challenge for a month will give us a chance to do so.
We're all on board. The kids aren't officially on board, but they'll adjust and the month of sticking to it (assuming we do stick to it) will provide us many lessons in learning how we look at food and learning to go outside our typical food choices.
It also gives me this excuse to eat whatever the heck I want before it begins. BAD. But I won't be baking with our normal ingredients next month so I'd better use them now? Ummm - smart in terms of using up ingredients, but at the expense of my own body, not my most brilliant move. Yet, it's what's going on.
So right now is the decline of FatCat which is kinda funny since decline goes down and my weight is decidedly not going down.
And maybe, just maybe, if my kids ever fall asleep, I will go downstairs and do some 8 minute abs before making the salted caramel bars that I need to make in order to use up the caramels.
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