I just realized that I am looking foreword to tomorrow. There is nothing special planned for tomorrow, nothing to set it apart from any other day. But... that just made this realization all that much more powerful.
I have a life I am actually looking foreword to. No matter the off days I might have, majority rules...I am H A P P Y.
It wasnt but months ago I was crying myself to sleep at night and dreading the tomorrows. Always worried about how I was going to wake up and sometimes IF I was going to wake up. Always worrying about the next "incident" and how and what could I do to prevent the next time, ultimately in the end days, I was looking at dangerous potective options and not caring too much about the consequences.
It wasn't that long ago I was fighting with every ounce of my being to hold onto myself and sanity.I was losing hope in all the pain.
I was so scared, so unsure of myself and my own capabilities. I felt defeated, broken down... and never in my life have I ever felt so completely alone and nonexistant.
I was hating myself for "falling", for being so stupid and naive, for letting myself get in so deep because I was insecure. I was hating myself for not being a better example to my son, nieces and nephues because I wasnt strong enough to get out.
But then... I did...
I did get out. On the scariest night of my life, completely alone, I walked away from him, that life and everything I was starting to believe about myself. I walked away from my fears, self doubts and insecurities and that darkness I'd been living in. I walked away and stepped into my My life, my today, my future.
It was just months ago but it ALMOST feels like years ago. everyday that gos by just pushes it back further into my past. The thing is ... I don't want to forget that fear. I dont want to forget that isolation and feelings of non exsistance, being so alone. I don't want to forget the sheer terror in that last night and what I faced. I don't want to forget that anymore than I want to forget the strength, courage and power that I realized I had that night and what it took to keep walking foreword.
I don't want to forget because there are millions of people still out there still surviving and needing that hope, courage and lended strength to help them survive as well.
There is a life beyond the abuse. there is more.... There is so much more.
Everybody needs somebody, NOBODY deserves to feel so defeated and alone. Everyone deserves hope and someone that believes in them.
Being able to crawl in MY bed tonight and not have to be scared of how or if I am going to wake up or what terrible "incident" could happen tomorrow, is what a person who isnt living in abuse takes for granted.
But taking it for granted isnt an option for me now.I dont want to take anything for granted anymore. I dont want to be so comfortable in life I forget I have soooo much to be grateful for or just what it took to get me where I am at. I dont want to be so comfortable I forget the ones who are still in the darkness needing the light of hope.
My gratitude list is endless these days...
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