Reflections On Time

6 years ago

They say that time heals all wounds, but this is not true. Time changes our responses, our vulnerability, our ability to see things from a different angle. But the wound is always there.

I have had two miscarriages this year, one at 8 weeks, another at 13. Each was difficult, and I still have thoughts of, "what if..." But reading a recent post on The Twin Spin helped put things in perspective. Miscarriage is common, and although never easy, an early miscarriage pales in comparison to the loss of a newborn. I cannot imagine having to go on with my life after losing at child at birth. It would be a wound that consumed me.

So here I sit, on Mother's Day, grateful for my healthy, smart little boy. A little boy who hugs me with all four limbs. Who smiles with his eyes. Who loves to play with trains and legos and play-do. And desperately needs a playmate.

Each time he begs me to play with him while I am trying to make dinner, or says to me, "Mommy, maybe someday I could have a brother or sister," I have feelings of what if and of regret.

I regret not trying sooner. I was so overwhelmed with having a new baby, and then a toddler, that I couldn't fathom going through it again. As I watched other mothers, one by one, have a second, and then a third baby, there were times when I was grateful it was not me. As Hayden got a little older, and things got a little easier, I could actually see us maybe having a second child but wasn't in any hurry. We didn't have any problems getting pregnant with Hayden, so I never dreamed it would be so hard the second time around.

Now, after trying for over a year, twice being pregnant and then not, I am constantly reminded of what we may never have. Friends are having their second and third babies. There are pregnant moms everywhere. Even Tina Fey is pregnant, for crying out loud.

No, what they say about time healing all wounds is not true. But what they say about wanting something more simply because we can't have it is. Because with the passing of each period, my wound is opened up again, and my desire to fill it grows.

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