I've been thinking quite a bit lately about the concept of red pill-blue pill. This idea first appeared in The Matrix and quickly became a metaphor for choice. I haven't actually seen the film; it really isn't the type of movie I tend to watch. But, I had heard the terms red pill-blue pill tossed around quite a bit.
The idea behind the blue pill is that you remain oblivious, ignorant to truth. It implies a sense of contentment with what is -- mostly because there is no concept of any other world, idea or belief.
The Red Pill represents an acceptance of reality, an awareness of truth and beliefs that were blocked and unrecognized for whatever reason. It implies a breakaway from what has been comfortable to an acceptance of what might be otherwise.
When the metaphor is presented it comes with a choice. Red pill or Blue pill? Which do you choose?
While this whole idea can be applied to a variety of situations I've felt a pull to examine it in terms of how I view myself, specifically my self-image and esteem. What prompted this whole reflection was a private resolution I made with myself for this year.
I want to learn to love myself more.
There. I said it. Out loud.
I've always struggled with self esteem issues. Maybe it traces back to third grade and being the only girl with her period and a full-on, grown up bra. There was no training in my transition to adolescence. It came full force at a young age and just kept on going.
Maybe it was the curly hair, extra weight, and acne I battled in middle school. I can still picture the boy that first uttered the words 'pizza face!' to me at school. Asshole.
Maybe it was the fact that I never really dated in high school. While I was known as the girl with the huge boobs, it wasn't enough to get asked out. I never had a date to the prom. I sat home that night -- pathetic, alone, and thinking that something must be wrong with me.
Maybe it was the scars leftover from a breast reduction at the age of 26 or a hysterectomy at the age of 29. Maybe it's the extra baby weight that has become part of me since 2004.
Maybe it's just who I am. My blue pill.
I live in this illusion that somehow I've escaped whatever it is that society defines as beautiful. I don't have it. For years I believed that I couldn't change that perception. I'm not sure I can now.
But I want to try.
I want to reject this illusion that I am not beautiful and face the reality that, maybe just maybe, I am. I think it's time to embrace a feeling of confidence in my whole person - flaws, curves, stretch marks and all. I want to learn to love what God gave me instead of focusing on what it is about me that differs from the pictures within the magazines on my table.
I want to feel sexy. I want to feel graceful. I want to feel beautiful inside and out. I want to feel like I am not defined by the size on the label inside my jeans.
For once I want to try the red pill and just see if, maybe, there is a beautiful girl waiting that is in no way an illusion... but a real, breathing, fully whole person who is incredible just as she is.
It scares me.
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