Neglectful Sticker Maintenance

4 years ago

 

Picture
Why am I writing this blog?

First and foremost, I write as therapy for myself. I use my blog to purge my thoughts. I use it to dump everything out, sort through it, and try to see if there is anything useful. I also use my blog as an attempt to reach out. I want to be helpful. I want others who are struggling to know that they are not alone. I want those who have no idea about depression or postpartum depression to get a sense of what it is really like. Sometimes I find myself wishing for more readers and wanting to get more traffic to my web site. Whenever I do that, I start doubting myself. I lose sight of what I am really doing, and I start trying to write what I think people want to hear. My hope is that my conscience blocks those posts from ever being published. Because this is not about becoming popular or having a lot of attention. This is about getting better and helping people.

I have been neglecting my sticker chart for a couple of days. I blame it on the kids stealing my stickers, but truthfully, I have not been doing so well, so I am not motivated to mark my progress. This morning I got up early, got Emma dressed and fed and let Steve sleep in. That is a first since he's been here in Colorado, I think. I even french braided Emma's hair and walked her to school. Then I came back, dressed both the boys and hit a roadblock. I had about an hour until we needed to leave to go to my group therapy. What I should have done and what I wanted to do were battling it out big time. Should I shower and get dressed? Or should I lay down next to Steve for a few minutes and close my eyes? The boys were busy watching TV. I could easily do either.

I totally caved. I lay down next to Steve and soon I was asleep - that super comfortable, super relaxing, nothing is achy or hurting sleep. Sooooo nice. I heard Steve get up. I really need to get up and go. But now I don't want to. I caved again. LAME. I didn't go to group. I slept. And slept. And slept. 

I told Steve I would not beat myself up for not going to group. And I am not. I am beating myself up for allowing myself to go back to sleep. I knew better than to do that. Tomorrow I will find something to do to keep me occupied so I don't heed the siren call of the bed.

I didn't take a shower today. Or go to group. Or go on a walk. But I did make lunch for the kids. And I went outside with them to play in the sunshine. We were outside when Steve came home. We stayed outside and played tag and hide-and-seek. It was a really nice afternoon. We also cleaned the basement tonight. I enlisted the help of the kids so I wouldn't get frustrated cleaning up their mess. And they did a really good job! I was proud of them. 

Tomorrow my aunt and uncle are coming for a visit. I have not seen them in a few years, and to be completely honest, I have been dreading the visit. It is just my social anxiety and the depression. I prefer to stay out of view when anyone comes to visit the house - I just feel awkward. But I don't think I can really hide from dinner. I will just be taking deep breaths and probably trying to keep myself scarce.

This is an article written by a member of the SheKnows Community. The SheKnows editorial team has not edited, vetted or endorsed the content of this post. Want to join our amazing community and share your own story? Sign up here.

More from health

Health & Wellness
by HelloFlo | a day ago
Health & Wellness
by Sara Lindberg M. Ed | 3 days ago
Health & Wellness
by Elizabeth Yuko | 3 days ago
Health & Wellness
by Charlotte Andersen | 4 days ago
Health & Wellness
by Karen Hawthorne | 4 days ago
Health & Wellness
by Elizabeth Yuko | 4 days ago
Health & Wellness
by Elizabeth Yuko | 4 days ago
Health & Wellness
by Jen Jones Donatelli | 5 days ago
Health & Wellness
by Charlotte Andersen | 5 days ago
Health & Wellness
by Elizabeth Yuko | 5 days ago
Health & Wellness
by Meredith Goldberg | 6 days ago
Health & Wellness
by Oset Babur | 7 days ago
Health & Wellness
by HelloFlo | 7 days ago
Health & Wellness
by HelloFlo | 9 days ago