My reality is that I am trying to change, I realize that change takes time, but it also takes the act of actually doing something differently than before.
I've been trying to get to the root of my issues with food, there are so many things that keep coming up;
abuse suffered at the hands of neighbor (did that start the compulsion to isolate myself?)
Being a step-child that always felt like I wasn't really part of the family (did that isolation I felt lead to me looking for other ways to "fill the void"?)
Losing my father when I was 5, and never really knowing him, but hearing negative stories about him my whole life (did that lead to me thinking negatively of myself, and not allowing anyone to really get to know me because I felt I would be rejected?)
Getting into relationships with uys that were either too old, too abusive, on drugs, or otherwise emotionally unavailable because I was too, so I didn't really have to feel there either (did that lead to me craving love from my now long time companion, the one who has never let me down, and is always there when I need a pick me up?)
Really thinking about it, I guess all of these things are bits and pieces of my puzzle, and what make me, me. Geneen Roth in her book; Women, Food & God says that compulsive eaters are afraid of feeling the pain, but what we aren't realizing is "the pain already happened", this seemingly endless cycle of binging, dieting, starving, hating, and berating ourselves is just a way to put a probelm on top of the actual issues, and then weight becomes the issue because we don't want to or are emotionally incapable of addressing the real root of the problem.
This is so true, all that pain, uncontrollable stress, fear, and longing happened to an entirely different person than I am today. Technically, there is nothing, absolutely nothing wrong in my life in this moment, but I am keeping the negative feelings with me and allowing them to stop me from living my life the way I want to because I've fed them for so long that I now have a weight problem to contend with before I can actually live comfortably.
Each day I read a little more, and begin to understand a little more, each night I struggle with not binging, but last night I didn't! That is a triumph! As my three year old likes to say, I did it because for the first time in a long time I did what I wanted, and didn't worry about what people were thinking of me. I know somedays will be this way, I will feel on top of the world, and beautiful, and present in the moment, then there will be others days in which I am completely overcome by emotions that I can't/won't deal with and I may backpedal into a binge, but at least for today, for right now, in this moment I don't feel that way.
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