the life of a bipolar military wife

First let me start off by apologizing for any grammatical errors. While I have intentions of returning to school to correct this, anyone suffering with depression will tell you, they are lucky if they have the desire to climb out of bed.  I have struggled for years with this issue and had no understanding of why.  I would go through boughts of crying in junion high, anger issues, thoughts of wanting to kill myself but never knew there was a reason.  I have always felt fat, ugly, damaged from my issues.  I now know the reasons behind my issues, BIPOLAR & ADHD.

I am a military wife, mother, sister, daughter and my name is bipolar_militarywyf.  I am 39 and I have had six children in my life.  I have been married to a active duty soldier for over eight years and of this eight years, had three children.  I am the product of mixed parents with a caucasion mom and a african-american dad. I am 5'3 and weigh 200. 

I am the product of education from a inner city school system and a Paralegal graduate who struggled with getting my Associates Degree. I also obtained a certificate in Office Administration upon finishing high school.  I found out at age 39 that I have all the issues that I have.  I got tested by a pschologist who confirmed my ADHD but it was a psychiatrist who confirmed everything else to include manic depressant.  Now, I am at a standstill with Concerta and my education so my doc can try to stabalize me.

I currently take Abilify 10 mg nightly but I wake up daily not wanting to leave my bed, not wanting to anything.  I (against doctors orders) have started my concerta again this week just to make it out of bed to shower, to clean, to cook, to feel love and give it to my two-year-old.  Without concerta, I am not motivated to do anything. I feel tired all the time. I beleive a lot of it is from weight but I have no desire to do anything to include exercise.  I binge daily to eat foods to keep my mind off voices I hear to go to destructive things.  My family are my motivation for not wanting to kill myself and hurt my body.

I eat to feel happy temporarily. I feel ugly and unattractive. I buy expensive makeups when in manic feelings to try to put my pretty face on.  I feel like a 500 pound person in a 200 pound body.  My mind is like a dryer always turning with thoughts, bad and good.  My temperment is like a loose cannon where the littlest thing sets me off.  I find I cannot be around noises, people, crowds, I do not want to leave my home.  I find comfort in my home.  I find solace with family and in my room.  I just want to be happy and live a long life without depression, however, I know this involves a learning lesson that I hope others suffering with depression will gain some insight from.  Its real, depression cannot be made up.  

I feel like "Jennifer Lawrence" from Silver Linings only I don't run and have no desire to.  I also can relate to the girl from Prozac Nation who has mood swings.   I have had issues like the women from the movie "Hours" who wants to leave the town she lives in because she feels like its killing her.  I am in Florida and I feel that now, however, I felt this in Hawaii, and Washington state.  I do not know if I will ever feel satisfied in one place, at one job, or with anything one thing.  I have a lot of ah ha moments within my life now that I know there is a diagnosis to my madness.  I understand or it makes sense to me now, why I have never held a job for longer than 8 months.  I understand now why people irritate me and they are really not doing much.  The list goes on and on as to my understandings but I hope this blog will help others to relate to why they may not be happy with their living status, working status, or maybe even a relationship. 




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