Journaling

3 years ago

Excited to see my girl tomorrow.  It’s been awhile, she’s a busy teenager who just got promoted to big sister!  Her dad and step mom are adopting two little girls who’s mom is going through some rough times.  I am sooo…  jelly.  I wish I could’ve done that for her, had more children – but I won’t.  I dunno.  Things happen for a reason I guess. 

I’m sitting here..in a bar.  And I don’t feel very good about it.  Feeling stared at and … I dunno.  Like I shouldn’t be here.   There’s a blonde lady at the end of the bar, very well –heeled, but conservatively dressed.  She keeps clearing her throat, and it’s annoying. 

Doctors.  Why do I keep having troubles with Doctors?  I know that they have their patients’ best interests in mind, but, they always seem to want to give me trouble.  I had a tubal ligation 10 years ago.  Trouble.  Arguing with your Doctor about WHY you want one, and why you should be able to have one after 3 abortions in my life time – is nuts.  It was my body, afterall.  So I did it.

I felt much freer after making that decision.  Freedom from health issues that had plagued me since I was a teenager.  I started on the pill at 15, and had pretty major side effects early on.  High blood pressure and migraines mostly.  But I stayed on them until …well, until I got pregnant with my first child, my son. 

After that event, reason should tell you that, if a drug makes you feel bad AND it’s ineffective, you probably should not be taking the drug.  So I quit, at 22.

Well, this obviously brings a whole host of new problems, contraceptionally speaking.  So I stuck to monogamous relationships and used condoms for protection.  Dual protection, effectually.  From disease and pregnancy.  Until I started being allergic to condoms.  What?

Yes.  They caused some pretty major UTI’s because of my weird plumbing, and I was getting them quite regularly.  Was it because the condom manufacturers changed the materials they used??  Not sure, I thought I had read that somewhere.   Then I tried the sponge, (remember the Seinfeld episode?) I really DID go through the sponge worthy questions!  But of course, that went off the market pretty fast. 

So now, I was facing no real viable birth control solutions.  I felt stuck.  In life.  Always worrying about these things makes us spin our wheels!

I stuck to condoms, and made sure my doctors knew about my chronic UTI problem.  I was given an open supply of Macrobid to take after having sex.  Worked like a charm.  Until I ran out one month and another doctor I saw in Urgent Care basically said, “Nope.”  Well, hells bells, I have no insurance, so – I have to go make a more expensive appointment to get a 3 dollar prescription?  Ugh. 

Dear Doctor, you are not in control of my body or my sex life…  Wait.  You’re not, right?

My point is, that women’s health is SO KEY to their future.  To their success in life, even.  We take it for granted, but I believe that it’s true.  Just like in nature, we thrive based upon our resources.  Abundance = survival.  Drought = Death.

We see this in the media now, women getting cuts in health care spending, and the abortion laws seem to always be on the table.  Yet women keep voting for the people that make those laws.  I seriously don’t get that.

(Okay that lady is still clearing her throat…and coughing now.  What the hell?)

I’m feeling this is all connected, and more important than ever in this election:  Women’s health, family support and education, community values, our faith, our sex lives…we KNOW it’s all connected.

For example, I was interviewing for a job up in the Cloud (my pet name for it).  As I was wondering around and I notice the health of these individuals is … well it’s not good.  It’s mostly women, and they’re teetering around 200 – 250 lbs.  I understand people are people.  But I also know, in my gut, that I didn’t want to work there.  I understand communities – people are simply resistant to differences.  And I know myself, I want to be accepted.  So basically, I felt like I was looking at myself in the future if I stayed there.  Pretty vain, huh?

(Okay she’s REALLY pissing me off now.  She actually moved closer.  She obviously has a problem with me.)

 I’m really happy with what I’m doing for work now.  Except…  well they seem to have some sinus or congestion issues.  Everywhere I go, it’s the same cacophony of noises and throat clearing. I hope hope hope there’s nothing health-related that will affect me.  I really like it there. 

So yeah.  Associations between work and health is just as important as restaurant food and health.  There’s loads and loads of information about foodborne pathogens and training on how to cook and properly store food, yet some people still don’t get it.  OMG, like my dad – he was an AWESOME chef.  When my son was little – mmm about 19 years ago now, I visited my dad up north.  I had just witnessed a horrible accident involving teenagers, and I needed to relax.  I was looking forward to meeting his “roommate,”  and having him make us a feast.  Well…. Long story short – my son and I got so ill from this “food” that he made us that he had to drive us home himself, each of us clinging to our own 5 lb bucket…wretching noisily for a 4 hour trip back to the cities…  I still remember how fucking unpleasant it was.  So, yeah.  Needless to say – I did not have him cook for me after that. LOL.  The association between his food and my sore stomach was far too real.

But I digress.

This is all connected, we make associations on this.  This is why companies spend tons of money on employee wellness, it’s why insurance is soooo expensive – especially for the little guy. 

My son is almost 23 years old now.  And I realize his conception was an accident, but I loved him the moment I found out I was pregnant.  He needed to know this, he still does as an adult!  He is always seeking to find his roots, where he came from, his origin.  He loved to look at pictures when he was little, he asked a lot of questions, constantly…which I loved.  I can remember one day – he was about 12, and I was giving him crap about his low hanging pants…his boxers were showing.  Ugh.  We argued about pulling his pants up and of course, he asked why.  So I asked him – do you know the origin of the low slung pants thing?  It started in prisons as a way to let other dudes know that you were into butt sex.  “What?”  He was flabbergasted.  His reaction was hilarious.  Then I went on to explain that origins mean a lot – as much as signs.  Like when someone is wearing a hanky to advertise their gang colors, or when someone wipes their nose or sniffs a lot, it could be a cold – or it could be a communication.  But what people don’t’ realize is, that kind of stuff gets normalized into culture.  This is the only reason why the low slung pants thing is so popular – people (either those in power or not) start spinning the culture of “why it’s cool” and everything gets mixed up, their values out the window.  Or at least not showing up how they wanted to show up.

(Okay, now I’m pissed off.  She’s now staring at me when she does it.  What does she want?  This is a free fucking country, I want to scream: “Fuck You, You Stupid Bitch -  Maybe I AM KINDA QUEER, but at least I'm HONEST about it. (And now I will be MORE queer just because you are reacting to it!)  How can you wear that Cross and love Jesus and still do this? Also, don’t you know there are more of us wierdos out there than there are of YOU?”   ….Okay I need to calm down.)

I can’t even finish this, my hands are shaking. 

Later - That lady cleared her throat again, and so very calmly, I stood and picked up my water glass, placing it in front of her.  With a wink and a nudge I say “You know, that’s EXACTLY why I never swallow.”

P.S.  The realization washing over her face was fucking priceless.

 

 

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