I've heard red wine is good for the heart

7 years ago

Pork Roll & Cheese on a roll with pepper.

Just typing those words makes my mouth water.

There’s this great little mini market/deli in town that I pass on the way to work that makes the best Pork Roll & Cheese sandwich. The Pork Roll is sliced thick, four pieces, and the cheese is all melted between the slices, holding the whole thing together. It is a million calorie breakfast. I try to limit myself to one stop there a month.

My love for the Pork Roll is wide. A love that my ass can vouch for, as it too is wide. It is also a true indicator that I was raised in Jersey. I went to visit my cousin in Salem, Mass last December and I wanted to make Pork Roll sandwiches for breakfast, when I tried to describe it she looked at me as if I suggested we eat brains and then cautiously suggested bacon & eggs instead. 

My newly discovered elevated Cholesterol and LDL levels are not so fond of the Pork Roll & Cheese.

The news that I have high cholesterol and LDL are another reason to hate going to the damn doctor’s office and letting them leech blood.

I’ve been to so many damn doctors’ offices in the past 6 years for other people that I have complete medical overload and avoided them when it came to my own overall health. I hadn’t seen my Gynecologist in about three years, given that I’ll be 43 this year and postmenopausal, this is not the smartest decision ever.

Cold Speculum's. Do not judge me.

I’ve been forced to see my husband’s doctor a few times, for colds, acute poison ivy, sun poisoning blah blah blah, but he has ear lobes like Dumbo and was also my father’s doctor… and those earlobes….so yeah.

I finally had to see someone for a weird thing, which no one wants detailed here, trust me, and they took about a gallon of blood. 9 tubes to be exact, which has to be a gallon, right? It felt like it while that damn tube was cutting off the circulation in my arm, making my fingers numb. They do that so they don’t get punched in the face when the needle comes out. Your fingers are too numb to effectively make a fist, right?

Saturday one of the perky nurses called and told me that I my cholesterol is 246 and my LDL is 151 and the Doctor says I should modify my diet and get more exercise.

Shouldn't there be laws that prevent nurses from being perky if they are calling to tell you that you need to modify your diet and get more exercise? I’ll jog right down to the office there and throttle you, how’s that for exercise? And doesn’t she realize that it is a week after Easter and there is GOBS of chocolate candy in my house? Dark Chocolate candy?

Per the American Heart Association my 246 number falls into the “High blood cholesterol. A person with this level has more than twice the risk of coronary heart disease as someone whose cholesterol is below 200 mg/dL.” category.And the 151 LDL is “Borderline high”.

My husband jumped on this information and immediately began reminding me that there is a gym in my office and I should just go use it. And that my fondness for the charred fatty part of the grilled steak is now off limits. Hah, I may gnaw his fingers off if he tries to cut those yummy sections from my slab of cow.

The fish alternatives to a low cholesterol diet are really no problem for me as I love seafood.

Getting my ass in gear to exercise more will be the most challenging part of the whole lifestyle modification program I see in my immediate future. SuperHubby, whom I love from the deepest reaches of my heart, can be supportive in the most nagging way; the “That’s only going to add to your cholesterol level” or “I thought you wanted to lose weight” or “If you eat that, you’re going to need to walk twice as far tomorrow” kind of way. These gentle reminders usually make my eye balls bleed for a few moments while I envision waxing his testicles and then I remind myself that it’s his way of reminding me that if he has to raise the kids without me, the house will never be clean. So I bare my teeth at him and put the dark chocolate back in the refrigerator.

Because he’s right. Which irritates me more than the snark, actually.

Over the next few weeks I’ll be working on a diet of cholesterol lowering recipes and an exercise schedule.

I know that once I get into a regular exercise routine I will feel healthier, have more energy and feel better about myself. When I’ve done so in the past, the difference is amazing. It’s pretty bad how much we beat ourselves up when we do not stick to the commitments we promise ourselves. A mental plan of going to the gym every other day, or walking that half hour a night, and then not adhered to them leaves us berating ourselves for being lazy, procrastinating, and generally useless. And then the cycle of self-flagellation begins in earnest.

When we do complete these small good-for-us tasks, our whole selves benefit - mentally, emotionally and physically. And so do the people that surround us as we are more positive and self confident.

To start, I took my daughter and a friend on a 2 hour hike along the reservoir yesterday and ate a grilled chicken salad for dinner instead of a steak.

I’m not going to bore everyone with a weekly list of what I’ll be eating to deal with the cholesterol and weight issue, because that writing it would put me to sleep faster than you could click away from the page.

I might occasionally bitch and moan about how little dark chocolate and red cow meat I’m eating these days.

Wasn't there some study recently that says moderate amounts of red wine reduce the risk of heart disease? I'm going to do some serious research on that subject.

If someone has any decent low cholesterol recipes, feel free to send them my way. I’ve conquered the gluten-free cooking, I can tackle anything now.

Man, I’m going to miss the Pork Roll…

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