Last week I went with my kids to the playground. I was chasing them and playing monster and they were screaching and screaming. It was all good, but it also caused me to reflect on the differences between this year and last year.
This year, without a doubt, I'm healthier and I'm doing things that allow me to feel pretty confident about myself and pretty in control surrounding some of those areas I felt such shame about: eating and my fat self.
Now I've still got the jiggles and the chunkles and the veins and the dimples, but I don't feel shame over it like I did. I don't want to go strut down the street in my short shorts (which I don't even own), but I don't feel shame over what my body looks like - mainly because I don't feel like I'm the cause of it like I was before.
But even though I'm feeling like I'm really on the right track to healing and being healthier and all that, I was quickly reminded of how different things are from last year physically.
Last year, I was exercising consistently and feeling stronger and I remember feeling confident trying new things like maybe climbing up a rock wall (which I never did and don't know if I really would, but which I might have). This year at the playground, I wanted to try to swing across the monkey bars like those agile little nine year olds, but I was scared to try.
Who wants to try to hang on a monkey bar in a public place and only be able to maintain it for two seconds - and then to have a strained shoulder muscle or something the next day. I sure didn't want to risk it!
And that's when I realized that I really miss the strength exercises I was doing and the confidence I had around them. Now I'd feel embarrassed at my lack of strength. Last year, I might not have been able to hang on the monkey bars, but I felt a-okay making the attempt.
So that has been haunting me a bit and I've been thinking about trying to get the gym back into my life.
I'm also still aware of how the stress seeps into my life and how I allow it to do so. The last few weeks I've tried meditating 10 minutes a day and I think it's been good. I've also been actively trying to read for fun (and I read a really fun trilogy this last weekend for young adults (Delerium)) and overall just letting go of some of the stuff that stresses things out.
Of course, it is summer and I'm not working at the moment, but I will be in a month and I'm not prepared for the classes and I want to be and in the Fall I won't have the time to prepare and can you tell from this run on sentence that this stresses me out and so while I am trying to allow my body to heal and renew and do all that stuff, I'm still keeping it in a state of stress. My poor body is constantly idling and reving. Obviously I need to come up with a plan other than my current one since my current one is doing the same thing over and over with the same results.
And so that's where I'm at - I've grown in wonderful ways, but I think I have some more learning to do and I think much of it revolves around ways to care for my body and learn how to really de-rev my body.
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