Not that any week when you are dealing with infertility, TTC, or an uncertain pregnancy is easy, but this week has been another challenging week to get through. This is almost starting to feel normal to me: the agonizing wait.
I thought I would get my answer about the fate of this pregnancy tomorrow morning, but sadly, my doctor has to reschedule for Monday. See? More waiting. Nothing unusual about that. What's 3 more days when you are watching every grain of sand fall through the hourglass?
Needless to say, it's been hard getting through. But I almost got into something of a routine in my coping strategies: my new normal - at least this week. In the morning, I get up, read my Bible, pray, listen to worship music as I get ready for work. J and I pray together before I leave for work. I pray in the car on the way to work. Pray, pray, pray.
During the day is easier. Teaching requires all of my focus and energy, and it really is, in some ways, a convenient distraction. Not too many people at work know about my situation, so there aren't a lot of questions. A few close friends and colleagues know, and they have been wonderfully sensitive and supportive.
(I didn't really get it before, but now I REALLY understand why women don't tell they are pregnant too soon. In situations like this, it is so draining to talk about, and almost impossible to talk about without crying. I am grateful for the anonymity.)
Nighttime is hardest. When my mind finally has time to process this situation, I am too mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted to discipline my mind to stay positive. All my fears and worries surface, and the night usually ends with my pillow soaked with tears as I don't make any attempts at pretty, faith-filled prayers. Just desperate ones, asking God to see my heart, have mercy on us, and heal our baby.
I sleep - or try to sleep- and the same thing begins again the next morning.
In the middle of all this was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day on Tuesday. I just couldn't bring myself to blog about this...it was too much to relive the loss of our first baby knowing that I am in the same precarious situation even now. I did put a Facebook post to honor our first baby, and that was a big step for me. I had indirectly alluded to my miscarriage on Facebook, but certainly, it was not public knowledge. However, I am determined not to stay silent (at least about the first one; not ready to go public with the 2nd pregnancy yet). I want people to know I went through this, in case some girl finds herself needing some support. As I've mentioned before, I didn't know who to turn to when I miscarried because I didn't know who had experienced this. No one should have to feel like that.
The theme of this week has been, hand's down, prayer. I went to the women's Bible study at my church Tuesday, and the topic was prayers of faith. A prayer group at my church/school prayed over me and anointed me with oil at their prayer meeting on Wednesday. So many people have gotten in touch with me to tell me they are praying for us. I feel covered by it.
I haven't really figured out all the answers to my questions about faith, prayer and miracles. But one thing I know that God has put on my heart has been praise. I knew that I would still worship Him if things went badly, and of course, I would still worship Him if we got our miracle. But I truly sensed that God wanted me to offer my praise and worship before the answer came. Not to wait, but even though there might be 'pain in the offering,' to give Him my worship now. And honestly, when I am singing out God's greatness and goodness and love and glory, that is when I feel the most peace through this storm. It reminds me just Who I am praying to.
So, it is about another 80 hours of waiting. I feel like I have exhausted my resource of tears. I have cried just about all I can. Now it's just prayers, worship, and waiting. And actually, I think a lot of life can be boiled down to those three things.
I don't know if I can say that I am thriving this week, but I am surviving. I'm OK with that - because it means I am not crushed by this. There will be a time for thriving.
God has gotten me through to this point, He is presently getting me through - day by day, minute by minute - and He will continue get me through for every day and minute that follows.
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