The little voice that lives inside my head right behind my face is an angry little shit goblin; a thought intruder that preys and feasts on any crumb of happy thoughts. It is an inner spokesperson for all my worse thoughts, fears and bad memories. A voice out of control that wants to ruin everything
Everyone has an inner dialogue where they speak to themselves, replay memories and go over their concerns. Mine obviously despises me.
The result is farfetched worries, exaggerated memories and, most often of all, imaginary arguments. What is the fuck with that?
And arguments that have actually happened but have been recalled and added to. It is bad enough that my head has been taken over by these intrusions in the first place but I often find that I don’t even win during the new edition rows and debates. You’d think I could at least make the most of the replay or made-up scenario and turn it around in my favour.
I can conjure up a right old mess of imagination that serves no purpose but to make me mad or make assholes out of otherwise innocent friends and acquaintances, past and present.
The narration is strongest during the morning. I notice it most during my shower. I hop off to have a shower and come back angry. This can be very confusing to the non-showering person who I've left behind in the non-showering room (always my bf).
To him my morning routine looks like this:
Leaves room ordinarily and acceptably ok > goes to have shower > returns from shower furious.
Maybe it’s the aloneness and my vulnerable state that lures all those bad memories and negativity in. The head space invader loves when nobody else is around to breed its doom.
I wonder if this impulsion that I have is a way the mental me prepares the physical actually-outside-of-my-head me for such an incident, ensuring I'm equipped just in case any of these completely fabricated situations actually happen.
Sometimes I wonder if it happens because I actually enjoy it.
Distractions are good. Should I be stressing at work, about work stuff, my inner stress stops. This is because the stress fairy is satisfied with the amount of stress that the whatever situation at work is creating and calls off sending her cousin the angry little shit goblin from taking over my mind.
The noise stops while I'm in the company of other people, exciting or otherwise. Or when I'm really happy about something like buying new things, or organizing the recycling (I know! isn't it strangely fun?) Or if I am engrossed in some other activity like obsessing over why the bath towels smell like Super Noodles.
There are times when it doesn't happen at all and then I'm all like ‘hey I'm not doing that thing where I'm arguing with someone who I haven’t seen for several years about stuff that didn't happen or did happen but doesn't matter.’ Then I start wondering if those people who I haven’t seen for so many years do the internal arguing/row thing. That seems to rationalise it, just for a moment.
I've begun telling myself 'no'. When those thoughts try to sneak in I’ll put a happy thought in its place, or remind myself to appreciate all that’s good in my life. As you can imagine, or have maybe even experienced, this is so much easier said than done. But I'm determined to keep moving forward with this thought process as it is my only hope.
Do you ever do this?
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