My name is Heather.
I am in constant pain.
The days in which I have been in pain far outweigh the ability of my brain to remember those days that I have not been in pain. For years I would wonder if I was slowly losing my mind to the pain.
This is me.
Most days anyways.
I won't let the fibromyalgia define me.
I can't let it win.
In some ways I think I have become a better person since the pain has started.
I smile more. I talk to strangers.
I want my interactions with people to be positive, something that would be a bright point in their day.
But there are days like today when its even a struggle for me to smile because the pain runs deep.
The days where I have to grit my teeth and push through the pain. No matter how deep the pain burns.
I hate these days.
I hate that I can't remember what it feels like to be completely pain free.
I hate knowing that one day my pain free days will be outnumbered by the pain filled ones.
I hate that there is no cure and that so many doctors don't recognize it as a problem.
Even though its "all in my head," I can't change that I have it no more than an asthmatic chooses to have asthma attacks.
I admit that when I am in severe pain and someone mentions to me that they have a "touch of fibromyalgia," it takes all that I have to not laugh in their face and mock their so-called pain.
I don't like the person I become when I am in this much pain.
She can be bitter and angry and short with her children.
She lets the pain consume her, and she sometimes stops the fight, letting the pain take over.
She isn't me.
So I fight and I get frustrated and people think I am angry.
All because I am waging this internal war with myself over something I can never control.
But still I fight, because she is worth fighting for.
Top photo credit my good friend Dawn
Bottom Photo: My good friend Mishelle Lane
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