I am new to this whole "Chronic Illness" thing. At the beginning of the year, I was bumbling through my life, minding my own business. The only pills I had to consume were for birth control, thyroid control, and cholesterol control. And all of them were well under control. Yes, there were the pesky seizures, excrutiating pain, memory loss, and exhaustion, but they had become just another part of day to day life. My neurologist had me undergo the occasional medical test, but past that I just went about my existance.
Fast forward several months and many medical tests later, and I found myself undergoing a rather unpleasant procedure involving electricity and sticking very long needles into my muscles. Being absolutely terrified of needles, I pulled my hat down over my eyes the entire time so as to not witness it. After that superbly fun activity, the neurologist looked concerned. Then another test (luckily not involving needles) where he prodded various "nerve centers" in my body and asked me if it hurt. The first prod (on the upper back between the shoulder blades) felt like someone had hit me with a hammer. I nearly dropped to the floor. He continued with the prodding. I thought happy thoughts and was very proud of myself that I did not cry. At the end, he grimly announced "It looks like you have fibromyalgia." The day ended with a painkiller/steroid injection to the back of the neck and me eating copious amounts of ice cream.
So here we are....
I hear it can take a while to find the right balance of medication and treatment. We have been working on it for months. Different treatments each with their own sets of adverse reactions and steps forward in managing my symptoms. We (being my neurologist and I) have finally gotten the seizures down to once or twice a month, with a far shorter duration and recovery time. The pain is its own beast to slay. The exhaustion and I know eachother very well.
I am twenty-five years old and now on more medications than I ever imagined. I hear medicine is supposed to help or cure..Right now it just feels like a neverending spiral. A pill to make the seizures go away. A pill to make me sleep. A pill to make the pain go away. Another pill to assist the first since it has to build up in the system. Yet another, faster acting, pill for when the pain shoots up to unbearable anyway...Then suddenly more are needed to manage the psychiatric side effects from the original medications...Add in supplements, vitamins, and moments of self-medication on days where I desperately need to function, and it gets to a point where the meds don't even all fit in my pillkeeper. I feel old, and not in the peaceful 'sitting in a rocking chair knitting with a cat in my lap reminiscing about the awesome life I lived way'
There are moments I feel hopeless. More moments than I would like..But I have to remember that this is only the beginning. At some point, I will find the right mixture of medications and treatements, and once again be stable. There has to be a way to still live life and make it awesome. I just have to remember that.
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