Well I am out of control. Its so stupid but knowing I have to lose 15 pds. to have surgery has pushed my button and now I'm sneak eating. WTF! I know it’s so horrible. I realize I'm not helping myself and that by doing this I'm making it more difficult to get help. It’s crazy and that's what Eating Disorders do. ED that sneaky bastard is whirling in my mind with his arms out telling all my neurons to fire I'm hungry.
I have an Eating disorder called NSED, Non-specific eating disorder. That means for me I've got several aspects of both Binge eating and anorexic behaviors. I started in High School by restriction and beating hunger. I would over exercising and refusing to eat. I could do that for several days at a time. I was never waif thin but I was seriously athletic and people saw me as healthy and strong. At that point I would break down and eat for a week normally but only to revive the restriction in several weeks. Now as I got older and I got more closed in being a stay at home mom and a bit out of control of my life. I gave up to hunger and ate as much as I wanted. Regardless of what I know now, I ate because I could and I wanted to. No one was going to tell me I couldn't. I binged my way to #426 pds. YES that big. I was 5'9" and I do have a large frame, (doesn't every chubby say that) but it’s true I do. So I can weigh 200 and now one would ever guess but at #426, guessing is also not needed. Binge eating was the one thing I allowed myself. I grew up in a really dysfunctional family and I saw all other forms of addiction as harmful to others. I couldn't drink like my mom and become violent. I couldn't smoke, GROSS it tastes horrible. I couldn't hit my children or abuse them as I had been. So while I can see all of this now, at the time I didn't, I could abuse myself and be happy eating without hurting anyone else.
I had my first weigh loss surgery when a dr. insisted it would help me and he pushed me to do it. It worked great, I felt rewarded as I lost weight and fell back into restriction and over exercising. I began super workouts and one month I didn't eat a piece of food. (I did drink protein drinks though) I can see now what was happening but then I just thought I was finally back in control of my body and my life. For 7 yrs. I did this. It wasn't until my life started falling apart again did I struggle with food and bingeing. As my life got out of my control I guess I turned to food and gave up the fight. I sank into a depression and I thought I can't do anything about anything so just enjoy what I can. I love food and I love most things about it. Cooking it, making others happy when I cook for them, I could eat good food and being creative. Everyone loves my cooking! Of course I should have been able to stop but I just couldn’t.
SO I think those of us who know who ED is can see how Eating disorders have affected my life and many other people we know. I went to treatment in 2012 and I have been trying to recover, it’s a long process and not easy. Food addiction is evil. It’s like you can stop being a drug addict by not using, you can stop smoking, and you can stop drinking if you’re an alcoholic but you can NOT stop eating. It’s like having a bit of a drug but just enough. WTF is that. I know how to move forward but with all the best of intentions I have, I’m binge eating at night. It is terrible and I want to stop it. I know it’s about so many other things but its ruining my life and I have to plan for my future. I have a handicap daughter I have to take care of if I can til I’m 100. I want to live to be healthy and 100, seriously. It’s not that I’m afraid to die but I like my life now and I want to keep going. I’m out here alone and there is little help for us. Food addiction is still the one thing people don’t get. Finding help is hard and a support group is not available. I have considered going back to treatment and I know it’s important but until then what should I do? The most important thing I can do is keep looking for help and asking for help. Mister ED is not going to win in the end!
(PS I imagine my ED as a man who looks like Gollum in Lord of the Rings, smarmy and sneaky and ugly)
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