Depression is a beast

3 years ago


Depression is a beast. It takes insecurities and amplifies them. It takes accomplishments and minimizes them. It takes relationships and distorts them or squelches them.

Just when things were starting to pick up and go well, the rain clouds rolled in. I would like a do over for today, please. I don't even have anything really specific to blame. I woke up in a depression bubble. I got up, showered, tried to wash it off, but it stuck. My kids know when something is up. When mamma is grouchy, kids are grouchy and grumpy.

Today was a day I couldn't comprehend the tasks on the sticker chart. It was a day of staring at the mess on the floor and then staring into space. It was a day of being tired of being in pain and a day where the only answer was sleep. And sleep came easy.

James had a play therapy appointment this morning. His therapist, SB, is great for James, but I am starting to be annoyed by her. She is very helpful with James, but she talks to me the exact same way she talks to James. "Those were great supportive words you just used with James," she says, and with the same intonation she speaks to him. "I really like the way you are looking into James' eyes and smiling." Ugh. I'm not three. "How does that feel, when you look into his eyes?" Fine. ? I don't know. It just feels annoying to me that she treats me like I don't know anything about parenting and like I need to be praised for stupid little things. Does that make sense?

I mean, ultimately, I know she is trying to help me help James to identify his emotions and to use words to describe how he is feeling. I get that. I just don't think she needs to be condescending while she is doing it.

Yesterday, I met with Dr. J. She and I have been meeting to do play therapy with Will since before Will came back home with us. I feel like she is one of the only people around right now who really gets what has been going on. She has been with me since I first came to Denver, and has been working with me from the very beginning. She knows the whole story, from Will's birth up to now, and she knows all the things I have been through, good and bad.

We've been meeting with Will now for a few months, and honestly, she has absolutely no concerns about him and his emotional health. She feels that he is completely adjusted and feels secure and acts just as any normal toddler would. Because things are going so well, and have been going so well, I know that the end of our time working together is coming close to an end.

We talked about it briefly yesterday, and I immediately teared up. I am not ready to let go yet. I know that Will is fine. But I don't think I am fine. I am worried about severing another connection. I've already dealt with so many severed connections in my own therapy. She has been the only constant. I am worried that I won't deal well without her support.

I know that in order to move on, I have to let go. I just don't know that I can yet.

I slept for five hours this afternoon. I did nothing today except take a shower and go to therapy with James. I know this is a temporary thing. I guess I just have to have these days to remind me how hard it is for me to accomplish anything when I'm depressed. When I feel fine, I can look at my list and check things off without a problem. When I'm depressed, I can't even look at the list. I just can't do it. 

Tomorrow is a new day.

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