I am sitting here on a beautiful spring afternoon. The dogs are chasing the housekeeping ladies around, and they are chatting madly back at the pups in Spanish. All of the windows are open, and even though it was raining and cold all weekend, it is stunning outside. I am still in my yoga pants, tank top and a hoodie. I won't get dressed until the ladies are done cleaning and can help me with my personal needs for the day.
My days usually consist of getting up to take medications, sleeping another two-three hours, then waking again so that I can eat and feed the dogs. I work on various consulting projects, my blog, and I watch television on and off throughout the day. Sometimes I leave the house, not often. Sometimes I talk on the phone or web chat with friends. Mostly I try to stay as productive as possible, and out of pain while I wait for Larry or Kelsey to get home and keep me company. I try to get the energy together to start dinner before they get home, otherwise we wind up going out.
I think I am finally coming out of the fog of that last year of work, and this past year of getting my sea legs after being laid off. You, as future me, will have the benefit of hindsight to look back at me now and know for sure. I wish you could tell me, I wish you could reach back over time and let me know if I am through the worst of it. The bouts of listless depression are often hard to hide, and are really not how I want to spend this time. I would like to look at this as an opportunity to do something great, yet there are days I wake up, make it to in front of the television, and remain for hours on end. If you could reach back through time and tell me when this part ends, would it be now? Would it be soon?
What else could you reach back and tell me? There are things I wish I could reach forward and promise you. I wish there was a button on this keyboard that allowed me to send this letter to future me to tell you what my intentions are right now. I want you to know what I want to do with this time now, and what I hope I will be doing in five or ten years.
I would like to let you know that I am getting more energy for the important things. I am getting more excited about my business. I am not as worried about signing new clients and being able to keep up the work. I hope this will pay off as I move forward. I am being cautious to add to my business slowly, so as to not overwhelm myself. I want to promise you, future me, not to leave you with a mess to clean up.
Recently, I was asked to blog about putting together a "health time capsule". As I thought about what would be in that, I got to thinking about how you, future me would see past me. I don't want you to see me as just a sick girl. I don't want to be represented by only medications and symptoms. I wanted to write you this letter and let you know that I am trying. I am trying to be healthy Jules. I am trying to be a stronger Jules too.
I want you, future Jules to be very old when you read this. I hope that the me reading his has grandchildren and great grandchildren. In order for that to happen, so many other things have to happen. Right now, I have to do things for my health that I have control over. I have to get more exercise. I have to contribute to my health in ways that are positive. I also need to continue my work for Lupus, Bipolar and other chronic illnesses. I need better treatments, we all need better treatments if I plan on living a long and healthy life.
So, future me, I hope that you are making up for the time that I have had to spend stuck in one place. I hope you are a non-stop force of nature. I hope you have gone to each corner of the world like you know you have always wanted to, and not let anyone, or any thing stop you. I hope you are still kicking butt and taking names.
If, by the point in the future that you read this, the tech is available, it would be really great if you could do me a favor. I am still just a bit insecure about how things are going to work out in the next several months. Am I going to be OK? Can you poke your head in here for a minute and let me know that everything is going to work out fine? And, ummm, while you are here.... lottery numbers?
More from health