Hello Lovely People,
Here is another big admittance.
There is something totally dark within me. We have been engaged in battle for quite some time, but somehow we just lose men without any significant gains or losses in overall territory. A war of attrition.
The war began long before I was aware of it. It began when I was about 19. There were times when I looked in the mirror and saw the battle lines, but I was in university then and had better things to do than look in the mirror, like reclaim my beer and head out for the evening. By the next time I looked in the mirror, the lines had been forgotten.
But inside me, the war raged on, hidden, unreported by the mass media of my concious mind, but sure to cause a chain of events that would cause shortage or distruption at some point in my future life. A conflict that could not remain unreported forever.
Sure enough, within a year, a major thoroughfare was lost to the enemy. Upon fleeing my sexuality, I lost a good part of it, seemingly forever. Since I could not allow myself to love who I wanted to love, or, and this was the real problem, love myself and accept that I loved them, I ran away to where I believed they could not find me. To where I could not find myself. To where I felt safe to be the "old me" that everyone knew was a very plain and normal person, who maybe was even a little boring but still very brave and adventurous when it came down to it.
Well, as it turns out I was being truthfully none of those things. I was heartbroken and ashamed, a coward for denying myself, and I paid dearly for that.
Instead of honestly dealing with my emotions and grief, I punished myself further. Already a vegan, I went raw for a month, trying to clease my body and mind of its inner evil. I starved myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. I hated myself. I needed to shrink, to take up the least space possible. After abandonning everyone I loved, I did not deserve friends. Because I was so low, I did not deserve to drive a car, which burned energy, or eat meat, which had a high environmental footprint, or cook food, which also consumed energy. Eating at all, I didn't really deserve, but I also could not think of what else to do, so I did still eat what I allowed myself to, thinking that with all these restrictions, maybe I could make myself good enough. Maybe I could redeem my sorry soul.
Well, things did not go as planned.
After a month, I went back to being a vegan. A one month committment was all I could make to that extreme, which isolated me from others to such a degree that I ate nearly all of my meals alone in shame.
Just before Halloween of that year, I became aware that there was a very serious problem within my body, but I was too ashamed to say anything about it. In my groin region, a lump was growing.
It was just under the skin and very, very painful. I could barely walk or move my legs at all, but I kept moving. I kept working and going to school, riding my bike though it was not even possible to sit on the seat. Still, I kept going.
It seemed to me like this was something unspeakable. Something for me to suffer alone.
So I kept going, and the pain kept growing, and the lump was the size of a spherical quarter and I knew that something just wasn't right. The pain was blinding. It made me cry but I kept walking with tears leaking from my eyes. "I am alright"...I thought over and over.
Then one day, I called the doctor. He said, "You have an ingrown hair" and gave me antibiotics and I got them from across the counter, but it wasn't over.
The pressure kept building. The lump kept growing. I kept gritting my teeth and kept going.
Until one day, it popped.
That's the day my life as I knew it changed. Nothing from that day on would be the same. That day, I was in the most incredible pain.
And I would like to say I stopped, but I did not.
There was more blood than during my monthly bleed. For weeks, blood and puss poured out of me. I wore a pad and carried on, hardly able to walk or breath.
That's where denying myself left me.
Burst open, finally aware of the raging war within.
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