Barf City Population Me

4 years ago

I've opened up on the blog before about being a garbage disposal.
I've confessed how much I hate exercise.
And it's been kind of a huge relief to type it out into the universe.
So, I'm here to do it again.

To be honest I've been a little absent from the blog world because I've been in a funk lately.

Since middle school I have been kind of an anxious monster.

Natalie Dee once did a cartoon that pretty much sums it up:

It's like she knows me...

I promise I'm not going to give a sob story about a terrible life.
In fact I've got a pretty great one.
I have an awesome family, great friends, a sweet job, and a drawer full of hoodies.
The only thing really missing in my life is a dude to hold hands with and a puppy.

But still I find myself sitting on the couch sometimes willing myself to get up and go get paper towels from Target instead of continuing to use my t-shirt as the alternative.

I still have weird panic attacks that I'm a truly terrible human being and that Barb & Tim have my friends on a payment plan to keep them around.

There are days when I've convinced myself that not hearing from a friend for 6 hours means that they remembered something that I said 8 years ago and it has really thrown them over the edge.
Even if I haven't know them for 8 years...same concern.

I bought a pair of glasses a month ago and was too nervous to wear them out in public because I was afraid I would be accused of eating Zooey Deschanel.

i didn't. 

Who worries for a month about wearing glasses?
Why is that a thing that I thought was normal?
I need glasses to see....but I was more concerned that people would think I looked like a huge hipster I didn't.

It all boils down that shitty thing called self-confidence.

I hate that I feel gross about myself.
I hate that I've said that I was going to sign up for a 10k and don't think I've ran a 1k since I posted about it.

I pin a ton of crap about eating clean but convince myself that just cleaning my hands before I eat should do the trick.

Pinning is the same as doing right?

I don't want to be the girl who cries fat and then does nothing about it.
I don't want to mold to my couch because I'm too unmotivated to karate chop my way out of a bad week day.

I have had a new pair of running shoes that I love sitting in the box because I'm too afraid to get started.
What if I give up again?

What if I'm not wearing a supportive enough sports bra and my boob goes flying and gives an unsuspected bystander a concussion and then I enter into an "Orange is the New Black" situation for carrying a concealed weapon?

If someone takes a picture, on the outside I'm like "haha yeah everlasting memories!!!! wooo."
On the inside I want to grab their cameras a la Kanye West and destroy it so I never have to see what I look like.

So, after wallowing in self pity for the better part of the past 3 weeks I've decided to take it to the blog.
Do I want sympathy?
Do I want compliments?

What I want is to put it writing that for once I'm going to give myself a solid shot.

I have to prove to myself...and only myself that I am capable of making a change that is healthy for me.

So instead of promising some lofty exercise goal that may or may not happen...I'm going to promise myself this:
I will no longer talk about myself like I'm some big dumb ape.

Hating & doubting myself is what got me into this mess to begin with...add a dash of anxiety and blammo:
Barf city. Population me.

I don't know when I'll feel like I look like the best version of myself.
Maybe I never will.
But I do want to feel like I am the best version of myself.

I don't need to be the butt of my own jokes when it comes to my weight.
My weight isn't what defines me...or my humor.
So I'm done being a hater of myself.

Miley're not safe.
Celebrities and reality show contestants: you're not either.

You've been warned.

This is an article written by one of the incredible members of the SheKnows Community. The SheKnows editorial team has not edited, vetted or endorsed the content of this post. Want to join our amazing community and share your own story? Sign up here.

More from health

by HelloFlo
| 5 hours ago
by Rebecca Reagan
| a day ago
by Christina Marfice
| 2 days ago
by Kristen Fischer
| 2 days ago
by Jen S. Glantz
| 4 days ago
by Kathleen-Mae Ramas
| 4 days ago