I have my new appointment with RE #4 in just over a week and I am vacillating between hope and fear once again. This will be my fifth IVF attempt!!! FIVE... FIVE...FIVE!!! It doesn't roll off the tongue like madness, sadness, why-ness.
What if I NEVER get pregnant again?
What if I have another pregnancy loss and end up with a big fat nothing?
What if my "great eggs" dry up overnight and I am left with two dangling sacks hanging over my vacant "out of business" uterus?
What if I fill out adoption papers and am told that I am not a desirable candidate for a mother?
What if I fall deeper into this rabbit hole and never, ever come out?
What if I take my three frozen embryos to the Sher Institute and they all make it out of the deep freeze and are transfered into a healthy uterus and I get my BFP and carry one, two or GASP! three babies all the way through until I see their beautiful ancestral eyes and hear their screams of joy?
That could happen, right? I mean all of this forlornness and angst that I have been enveloped in could actually disappear and I could actually become a mom and live happily ever after.....
There are somedays when I wish my eggs would dry up so that I could have an end to this madness. So that I could stop the constant chatter in my head, the worry, the jealousy, the back-and-forth of emotions.... I just want off of this crazy ride! Somedays I think I have it in me to do another cycle and other days I can't bare another shot of progesterone in my butt, another estrogen pill down my throat, the lupron, Gonal F, or Menopur shots in my stomach or any more blood draws...MAKE IT STOP!
Can't I just get pregnant the good ol' fashion way... hmmmm how is that done again?
As I have said before... I would need a lobotomy to remove the part of my brain that thinks non-stop about babies, babies, babies, BAAAABBBIIIEEEESSSSS!! Believe me, if it were THAT easy to switch off my brain, to tune something out, I would have tuned-out all of you "helpful" people long ago.
Not so sure if God is out there anymore, but if he/she is, I'd like to pass along a little message...
I know you are busy these days and I am sure most of your time is being spent in Haiti, or at least the news is, but I was wondering if you had time to send a little luck my direction.
I am not asking for much, just enough to create a tiny life inside of my womb.
I promise to eat healthy and do my yoga, oh and take walks in Central Park on sunny days.... to get my vitamin D. I also promise that I will love my baby unconditionally, even if he/she has a my temper or my husband's nose. I don't care if the baby has my curly hair or my eyes, just as long as he/she can see. I'd like her/him to have a sense of humor, but I guess you can't make that... you have to create it, so I will do my best to laugh a lot during my pregnancy and after they are born so they can remember that life doesn't have to be so serious. I will read to them every night- starting when they are in my womb... better get a jump-start on that since I somehow ended up with Dyslexia. I promise to dance... a lot, and to all kinds of music and I won't be upset if they come out of my womb liking the Beatles or Elvis, though I don't think I'd smile if they didn't like Classical or Raggae. I promise to prepare my child with all of the proper tools to face their first day of kindergarten: New shoes, new outfit, a new backpack and a shiny new lunch box filled with all organic snacks and meals. When they face adversity or have struggles, I will be their mentor, their teacher, their guide and when they fall down, or trip, I will do my best to teach them that the only way to go is UP! UP! and away and that being down is only temporary.
Lastly God, if you are still there, I would like my baby to come soon, because I am beginning to think that this darkness around me may never leave and I am afraid my tears may never stop flowing and it'd be nice to know that this too is only temporary.
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