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I tried writing yesterday. I began working on three or four post, but each one felt wrong.
I try to keep the blog light and fun, with occasional nuggets of wisdom thrown in for good measure. Today, however, I just couldn't do it; every topic felt more shallow and lifeless than the last. Then I had an epiphany: I'm just down. When someone asks you how you are, the response is always "good" or "not bad" or something in between. No one ever says "I'm feeling a little depressed". Why don't we say it? Why is it so impolite to admit your not feeling 100%. It's OK everyone. Don't think the depressed party is suicidal or needs your help per say, just acknowledge that yes, we all have bad days. The reason for the mild depression I believe, is two fold; the first is that I am graduating from graduate school and the second is that I've recently become very disappointed with my generation.
Graduation day! Everyone dreams of it; the day you finally break with the shackles of education and finally emancipate yourself as an full fledged adult (kind of). Family and friends keep asking me "are you excited about graduation?", "Do you know what you want to do after?" and "You must be so proud" and the answer to all of them is, no. No, I am not excited about graduation, I'm actually dreading it. I love school; I love learning and being completely selfish. I only have to worry about my brain and how I'm going to fill it and what with. I love living at home and being irresponsible. I love that the future holds nothing but promise for me and the concept of true failure seems alien. No, I do not know what I want to do after graduation. I studied sound design (I'm the person who puts sound in movies basically. Do you think the movie just naturally sounds that way?). Although I enjoy doing sound, I'm completely burnt out on the film industry. I just cant handle all the politics and the belief that if you don't think like someone else then you're an idiot. I would love to be a teacher but that's even more difficult to break into than the film industry at this point. Who knew being an underpaid, overworked teacher would be such a coveted job? And of course I'm not proud; at 25, I should be graduating with my masters. It wasn't very hard for me. If I graduated with a law or medical degree, then I would be proud of myself. I think other people should be proud of their MFA. There are people at my school who practically killed themselves producing art. They should be proud. I however, know I could have done better. I absolutely did not try my hardest, and I regret that.
For the first time in my life, I'm really happy. I don't think I've ever been this happy. Now, I don't have a boyfriend, a job, a family of my own, or anything like that. I should, by all accounts be extremely unhappy and dissatisfied with my life, but I'm not. Jesus loves me, I have friends and family who do as well and I'm encouraged to be creative on a daily basis. It took me forever to get here, so the idea of moving on is terrifying. Graduation almost feels like my execution day. I literally have no plans beyond that (except that I'm getting Lasik on the 30th! Holla!). I truly, for the first time in my life, have no idea what is coming next. But you know what? That's OK. You know what, it's more than OK, it's great. I have a chance to start fresh, to right every wrong, to finally be the person I was born to be. Although, after saying that, I'm more scared than ever. I know I will do well in whatever I choose to do. The thing that scares me is that I have no clue what that is.
In addition to my future troubling me, my present has decided to rear it's ugly head. I've always tried to do the right thing; I don't steal, cheat, and I've always respected my body. I know modern moralism is somewhat relative, but I thought stealing and cheating were still considered big no nos. The other day, a group of friends and I were discussing something, and the subject of stealing came up. According to the group, it's strange that I think stealing is wrong. One person said "Jasmine doesn't like stuff like that" as if it was one of my many weird quirks that my friends just have to live with (one is that I will avoid confrontational situations at all cost. When you have a group of large women in tube tops trying to rip out my hair because I got to go to the front of the line at the club and they didn't, you try to avoid confrontation at all costs. Maybe if they dressed better, then they would have been able to jump the line too. A tube top and a jean skirt does not count as fashion in 2012). I was shocked; I thought that, you know, stealing was considered universally repugnant. I was hoping maybe that these people steal just from corporations or big business (you know, the Man) but then I found out that within this group I was in, one person had stolen from a charity shop and the other person stole from people they danced with at clubs (don't keep stuff in your back pockets ladies!). Don't get me wrong; I think thievery in all forms is wrong but for some reason, hearing about someone stealing from a charity or their peers, well, it shook me to the core. People who I considered to be some of the most kind hearted human beings I know think that I am weird because I think stealing is wrong. Am I going crazy? I have another friend who thinks I am weird because I don't hook up with random people at parties. "Don't you like kissing" this random person said. "Not unless I'm into the person. If you kiss someone you don't like it gets boring fast. Plus, spit smells weird so I'm not going to put up with that for just anyone". This person gave me a strange look; "But, what do you do at parties then?". Call me old fashioned, but I'm looking for love. True, honesty to goodness love. Not the kind you see in movies but real love, aka ugly people love, where someone doesn't fall in love with someone at first sight because your're both, you know, kind of weird looking:). I do not judge this person at all (OK, I do a little bit because I think this person could do a lot better than what they are settling for, and why would you want to kiss a bunch of frogs when you could just wait for a prince?) but am I weird for not being like that?
My problem is, I think I'm just a little too genuine and strange for this world. People don't mean what they say anymore. I feel like most people are one way, and I'm just another. You know what though? That's just fine. If you want to be a thief, then steal (I adore you but I still think stealing is kind of classless and tacky, beyond it being just plain wrong. Sorry to this person, but you know it's true). If you want to be a slut, then be a slut (just use protection for God's sake). If you want to be a party animal, then rock on Mr. Cheeta. If you want to be fat, then eat up baby! If you want to be purple the go buy some dye. Or, if you want to be like everyone else, then by golly, go jump off that same cliff. As long as you do it for yourself, then that's all that matters. Regardless of the reaction I get from this particular blog entry, I think I'm going to stay the same. I have a feeling I'm going to get a lot of slack for this entry, but frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. I like the person I am, I don't care if you think i'm a wet blanket prude or a naive loser. I'm perfect just the way I am and I can look in the mirror every morning and be proud. I just hope all of you can do that too. I sincerely do, because nothing is sadder than a person living for someone or something else. So to all of you who have ever felt out of touch with this world, you are not alone; You've got me in your corner. And I think you are perfect just the way you are too. There has to be more of us out there. The best people in history stuck out like a sore thumb. And if it helps you then I will share a bit of embarrassing information; I've never had a boyfriend. I've only ever been on blind dates where the guy never calls me back after the first date and gives me that disappointed look when I walk in the door. Oh, I could get a boyfriend in like, .25 seconds if I really wanted to (come on, look at me) but I just haven't met the right person yet. Maybe I never will, and that's OK. If I die still living in my parents house, then at least I know I never settled. I don't understand why everyone is just settling when there is so much out there. You deserve the best, you just have to wait for it sometimes.
To be fair, I'm sure I do things that people find morally repugnant. We are all human. I absolutely don't judge any of the people I wrote about, I just wonder if I'm weird for not being like them. We just have to love and edify each other and hope that we all turn out alright. I just want to be honest with others and myself. And yes, I know this blog is all over the place, but that's how emotions work.
Here are two songs I've been listening to. If you ever feel alone, listen to this song and know that I think you are the bee's knees. There are others like us, they just have to speak up. Hopefully, this will shake all the seriousness out of my system and I can going back to being the spoiled, shallow, self absorbed, and somewhat kind princess you all know and love :).