5 years ago

Where do I begin, today I got inspiration from Natalie and it was refreshing cause it reminded me that I need to give something back on a very important area of my life that I have not done in a while which is my addiction to sex, alcohol, pills, street drugs, and shopping and food which quite honestly now that I think about it I could probably be addicted to just about anything if I allow myself too. But I do know that it is always so very tempting to slip and I do which is not good cause even if it is a slip it's truly relapse and I must say that even though I have sustained from street drugs for some years now, I am finding that during my loneliness i relapse to shopping or pill popping which seem to be my biggest contender's when it comes to my addictions. For what ever reason I can sustain from the other's or tell myself am I using this to supress something. So how come when it comes to pain and oh I need that knowing damn well I need that like I need a hole in my head and the pain that I get everyday from doing normal things like exercise or cleaning don't call for percasets or tylenol 3's. When to put that back or stretch it out can be the simplest thing in the world but for me it's the biggest challenge? So why don't I utilize my toold for those situations instead of calling the doctor and complaining and getting my prescribed drugs and why don't I just say NO to the stuff that is cluttering my home( and no I am not in the hoarding phase yet) so maybe tht's my sign my flag cause I watch that show and I am like I don't ever want to be like that and that is sad cause I am not far behind them. I am not teasing or critisizing hoarders either cause it is a problem just as bad as addiction heck I think it is an addiction or could be considered one. Either way getting off track, all I do know is that my addiction started probably when I was 5 and I watched my Mother lose the LOVE of her life daddy Lance because I don't recall much but the day she found out he was dead I =can give you explicite details and they were not anything nice meaning I saw souls leave my mom's body(her spirit) and my daddy Lance's spirit watching her weep and fall to pieces. After that my life would be extremely different. I was sexually expose by my babysitter's and so was my infant sister but I believe that she was abused some way some how and what's really sad is that they were abusing their own daughter. some years after that when I was like 7 or 8 I was abused sexually by my mother's boyfriend who would abuse me for some years and my grandma Edith even caught us in her basement once and didn't do anything, so it went on then I would be molested by his daughter while taking a bath and i didn't know it then but that was to prepare me for the night he would rape me. And that's how I got introduced to alcohol cause he would he give me brandy everytime before he would molest me. So I truly believe that was the gateway into my hell the door had been unlocked.

Always being amazed by little things, T.Bean

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