5 Dishes I Wouldn't Feed a Dog … But I Do Eat to Be Polite on Thanksgiving

7 years ago

5. Pumpkin Pie.
It's not that I find pumpkin pie particularly vile. Especially if it's homemade pie. I just feel like I have already eaten enough of it in this lifetime. I move we ax it from the lineup immediately and replace with a new tradition: Thanksgiving shortbread.

4. Cranberry Sauce.
I've been more than halfway through more than one Thanksgiving feast when the host said, "Crap!" and popped out of her chair, to return with a dish of cranberry sauce. Nobody had noticed. I rest my case.

Flavorwise, I just don't think cranberry sauce does the job of cutting through all that rich food. I can see it making a fantastic ersatz chutney with Indian food, or taking the place of lemon curd alongside gingerbread. But I'd rather let the tartness of the cranberry shine -- if you served me these sweet potato chips with cranberry salsa, I'd be eternally thankful.

3. Candied sweet potatoes
Sweet potatoes are quite nice. I could eat them baked up twice. I could eat them in a box. I could drink them on the rocks. But I DO NOT LIKE those candied yams. I do not like them, Sam-I-Am.

2. Most Rolls.
I've long dreamed of opening up my own quick-serve restaurant called Just Toast -- which pretty much sums up my warm feelings toward gluten. But we've got stuffing, potatoes, and pie crusts to devour. We've probably made a dent in a bready appetizer or two before the Big Show. Unless they're freshly baked yeast rolls, I'm saving them for leftover sandwiches.

1. Turkey.
I've deep-fried it. I've brined it. I've tried heritage and local birds, but I'd still gobble a Peking duck over turkey any day. Or goose. Or capon, guinea hen, partridge, or chicken. Or at least turducken. Or salt-baked fish or standing rib roast or a salmon-leek pie or a nice stuffed squash. Turkey's stressful to cook and it hogs oven space (not to mention energy). The white meat is often dry, the dark meat greasy -- and when it's cooked perfectly? Still turkey.

Lest you think I'm a thankless cad, tomorrow I'll count down the Thanksgiving foods I adore with such a passion that they wind up mysteriously missing from the leftover stash.

But now it's your turn: Which Thanksgiving dishes would you ban before next Thursday if you could?

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