Have You Seen Kim Kardashian's Golden Globes?

3 years ago

I did not realize Kim Kardashian's butt broke the Internet. Late to the party, that's me.

Then today I saw a link to the Paper magazine cover featuring the Krown Jewels. I thought, no, Rita, have some pride, don't be the kind of person who looks at naked butts. Without my consent, my brain/finger connection malfunctioned. Suddenly, there she appeared. Her backside shone like Glinda the Good Witch's travel bubble.

Billiard balls. Granny Smith apples. Clock faces. That thing that causes tides, only two of them, right next to each other.

My jaw literally dropped. I told my co-workers what had just happened. With their laughter echoing from my iPhone, I closed my eyes, but against my lids I saw Kim Kardashian's oiled ass cheeks glowing like twin ostrich eggs.

I can't unsee her humps. I've been trying for the past hour. She's like Dolly Parton, only upside-down. Her much-lauded proportions really exist. JESSICA RABBIT LIVES.

And her expression! It says, "Step off. I told you this shit was real."

Kim Kardashian may not have broken the Internet, but I will never be able to face phumplings ever again. Or glazed doughnut holes. Or those foam spheres they sell at Hobby Lobby. I feel like I just saw a unicorn.

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