Justin Bieber's new perfume for young ladies, called "Someday," is taking his young fans by storm, as does everything Bieber bestows upon the world. After catching wind of this news after the craziness at his Macy's appearance blew up on Twitter, I've been a bit baffled that reporters aren't mentioning the obvious.
Sure, they are mentioning the big things. Proceeds after taxes, expenses and company requirements (whatever that means) from the perfume sales are going to charity, and that's great. TheToday Show's Matt Lauer pointed out that Bieber's People are brilliant to have launched a young woman's perfume instead of a cologne -- because they know whose glittery wallets butter their Bieber bread. The bottle itself has been discussed a little bit, because it looks very similar to the bottle design for Marc Jacob's Lola. A younger, clumsier, more pink version of the Lola bottle. Lolita, if you will.
But no one is saying the obvious.
Sometimes, things just need to be said, so I'm going to say it:
The bottle of Someday looks like plastic vaginal lips.
Image: © Dennis Van Tine/UPPA/ZUMAPRESS.com
The bottle stopper is layer after layer of red and pink plastic curtained around some sort of knob in the middle. I'm serious. It's not what you would call subtle. Which is certainly not an uncommon motif, but isn't this a perfume for young girls, as offered by a teenaged boy?
So what I want to know is which of Bieber's People said, Hey, let's make this thing look like if you could buy wax lips on Halloween but for your lower bits instead of your mouth! (Actually, you probably can buy those, but I'm not going to Google that.)
I suppose it is meant to pass as a rose, like if you melted down those fake plastic lipsticks that never show you the right color at the cosmetic counter and used them to form a Valentine's Day keepsake to be sold at gas stations. But truly, the damn thing looks like a Lego Labium kit.
Now this sort of imagery doesn't usually skeeve me out -- on the contrary. I love flowers. I love vaginas. I love a discreet Sephora logo or a massive O'Keefe soft porn calla lily as much as you do, or maybe even more. But this is just plain odd. Justin Bieber is seventeen, and the majority of his fan base is comprised of girls much younger than that. We're talking the substantial and influential tween allowance and babysitting money, here.
It's obvious that the concept behind the perfume is that "Someday" the wearer and Justin will be together and finally get to have sexy time. The commercial shows him nuzzling with his beloved and then pulling away, repeatedly, as their future house forms around them.
So the perfume is meant to say "We're under the age of consent now, but baby, baby, oh, not forever!" Which, I get as the unspoken fervor behind Bieber Fever -- and the history of all Tiger Beat boys before him. But do we have to commodify it so overtly? So O'Keefe o'vertly? With something that looks like a vagina Happy Meal prize?
Clearly, the real audience is young girls, and though they are being teased and encouraged to tease, they are also clearly being told to wait. Watch the commercial again, and look closer at the bottle as the nuzzler puts it on the dresser. Under the lips of the rose thing. What's dangling there? What did she whisper? A lock! A lock? It's been vagazzled with a lock! And what do you put under lock and key until that special Someday? Well, that would be a girl's chastity. Chastity belts weren't created to lock up boy bits, after all.
So for only 45 bucks, Someday offers our daughters the following great deal: a few ounces of "Mandarin, Juicy Pear, Wild Berries, Jasmine, Creamy Florals, Vanilla, Soft Musks." A Lolita bottle topped with fabulous pink and red labia, and a symbolic chastity belt. And a charitable contribution via Give Back Brands. I think I'll just donate directly to the charities of my choice and cut out this bizarre middleman, but then I'm not a 13-year-old girl with Bieber Fever so I'm hardly their target market.
Their market gets it. Listen to this 15-year-old girl quoted in the LA Times about why she is buying Someday:
Normally Leahy wears Viva LA Juicy perfume. But today she's more casual, sans any perfume and wearing a field hockey sweatshirt. Besides, Someday is her new fav fragrance. Its scent? Leahy grinned, her braces glinting in the sunlight: "Like sex in my nose!"
What do you think? Is it just Love's Baby Soft for a more sex-savvy generation? Would all of this teasing about Someday be cool if Bieber were a girl with a dude sniffing her up but being told to wait? Are you letting this oddity into your home? Do you have a choice?
Contributing Editor Deb Rox did not wear perfume in middle school unless you count Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers and suburban misery as a fragrance.
More from entertainment