1. Play dough is not your friend. It should be outlawed.
2. There’s no such thing as washable crayons. Proof is in the clothing it was washed with.
3. If your child is sick never look up symptoms online… it will say they have about an hour left to live and the emergency room will look at you like an idiot.
4. Child proofing your house is a myth. Unless you glue everything to your ceiling, they can get to it… and if you have a chair tall enough even that won’t work.
5. A tiny bottle of nail polish will cover a 3 yr old from head to toe, a small dog, and still leave them just enough for touch ups.
6. You will miss changing diapers once your 2 yr old decides they are ready to wipe themselves… and not tell you.
7. TV will not rot a child’s brain, but will save a mothers wits.
8. No matter how many times you bragged you will never yell at your kids… there will come a time you will be standing in the middle of the floor screaming like a banshee and even then… the kids won’t hear you.
9. You should own NOTHING that is the color white. By the time it makes it in the door it will look like shit.
10. Diaper wipes and Mr. Clean dry erasers will become your best friend.
11. A bathroom in a house with boys will never smell clean no matter how many times a day you clean it.
12. Your house will never be up to par when you have an unexpected guest.
13. There is nothing wrong with bribery. In fact it is highly recommended.
14. You can never have enough spoons… For some reason they disappear like socks. So buy both in bulk.
15. At one time or another your child will try to cut his or her own hair. It won’t be pretty, but it will grow back just in time for them to do it again.
16. You will never have a phone conversation that is not interrupted at least a half a dozen times ever again.
17. There will be days you will feel like the worst parent ever.
18. There’s no such thing as terrible twos. It’s terrible two’s-teen
19. Always check pockets for live things before you do the wash.
20. There will be a time you walk through a store and people will look at you like you are one of “those” parents.
21. Toys will be flushed down the toilet and cost a ton to have removed.
22. No child has ever started college with a bottle or pacifier. So don’t sweat it.
23. Super glue…. Bad idea to have in your house. If a man can hang from a beam with his hardhat glued to it… imagine what things kids will glue together. (Hands, lips, siblings to the chair.. the list goes on forever.)
24. If they want to wear their superman costume EVERYWHERE… let them. It’s far less painful than the temper tantrum they will throw.
25. Poop will be the main conversation at the dinner table at some point. Just pray it’s not when you have company.
26. There isn’t a toy out there that takes batteries that’s worth buying.
27. The dog will be the only one who knows how to hide from the kids and get away with it.
28. You will be peed on, shit on, puked on, or even all at once no matter what precautions you take.
29. Every parent out there will try to give you advice. Just smile and nod… most of it you can take with a grain of salt, the others you can use to wipe the kids ass.
30. There is never anything wrong with a stiff drink at the end of your day! (Maybe even two or three.)
What have you learned about being a parent?
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